Jokes

[loadsofposts69]

Bad In Bed
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

[loadsofposts69]

If You Could.

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother

[gymaddict69]

Since our son was born, it's been the same routine every morning. First the crying, then a breastfeeding, followed by a nap.
It's the only way I can cope

Apparently exercise helps you with decision making. It's true.
I went to the gym this morning and decided I'm never going again.

[gymaddict69]

I got fed up of my sarcastic wife going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was. So I started going to a gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure. Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the telly.
"Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "

[gymaddict69]

Paddy ad Murphy are racing up a hill.
"If i get to the top first, im gonna write my name" says Paddy.
Murphy says "If I get to the top first, i'm gonna rub it off."

My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder
... And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.

[gymaddict69]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

[gymaddict69]

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

[gymaddict69]

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said in a weak voice "there's something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and a co worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you...now close your eyes."

[gymaddict69]

Wife says to husband, "you only ever want sex when you're drunk!"
Husband says, "That's not true..sometimes i want a kebab"

A boy askd his mum, "I'm black and you are white?"
His mother replies, "Don't even go there, the way that party went, you are lucky you don't bark."

[gymaddict69]

Whenever Im on the lookout for sex, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here"s a bird who"s capable of making a decision she"ll regret in the future."

I slept like a baby last night.
I woke up 3 times screaming and shit myself twice