Jokes

[gymaddict69]

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...
Damn dial-up!

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it'd look even better on?"
"Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?"
"No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

[gymaddict69]

I've just bought a new aftershave called 'Breadcrumbs'..
The birds fucking love it

I've been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won't rest until I find it

When I die I want the words humble engraved on my statue.

The dyslexic prostitute got a job in a warehouse

[gymaddict69]

went to bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on.
'You're pulling my leg', i replied

Well with Valentines day fast approaching,I've arranged for a beautiful bouquet te be delivered to my wonderful girlfriend.
The wife can fuck off.

[gymaddict69]

I was in bed with the missus the other night and I said "Sweetheart, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"
She replied " Your cock is bigger than both of your brothers"!

My boss told me that I couldn't accept criticism, so I told him to fuck off.

[url=https://www.sickipedia.net/j/Other/Professions/82581][/url]

[gymaddict69]

As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine.
"No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. "
But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig.
She hates it when I call her that.

[gymaddict69]

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

My wife walked into the room and said "Why haven't you taken off your clothes and shoes"?
"Because I didn't feel like it" I replied
"Hang on, how much have you had to drink"? she said
"Whats with all the fucking questions"? I snapped "Why can't I have a fucking bath in peace"?

[gymaddict69]

What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?
Finding a condom in your hole.

I went into Mothercare this morning & said to the shop assistant, "Do you sell maternity dresses?"Yes sir", she replied,"What bust?"
I said,"The condom."

[gymaddict69]

A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

[gymaddict69]

I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog shit in the store entrance.
I lost the case though.
The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.

[gymaddict69]

My daughter thinks that the bigger a mans feet, the bigger his cock. She doesn't half bring some clowns home.

I was telling a gorgeous blonde at the pub that I'd recently lost my wife.
She put her arms around me, pulled me close and whispered, "It'll be alright."
"No, it won't, "I thought, "She'll find me soon."