Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Dear Deirdre. My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do? Sharon of Essex

[gymaddict69]

"Are these pants too tight?", asked my wife.
"Are you asking me, or the camel that is trying to kick it's way out of them?", I said.

I was looking at this bloke who's lip had a large steel spike in it when he said, "What the hell are you looking at, I choose to be individual and I can still do anything you can." "Oh yeah," I said, "Well fucking try blowing a balloon up."

[gymaddict69]

Chad took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I"m afraid I"m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog"s tail." The vet stepped back, "Chad, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Chad replied, "Because my mother-in-law"s arriving tomorrow, and I don"t want anything to make her think she is welcome."

[gymaddict69]

A farmer came upto me and said I've got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ,
I said yeah 70

I'm a morbidly obese quadruple amputee.
That's how I roll.

My wife was in the bath, so I had a cheeky wank in the bedroom.
When I'd finished, I was bursting for a piss, so I went into the bathroom. "Sorry love," I said, "I'm desperate."
After a few moments, she said, "You've just had a wank, haven't you..." I said, "How could you tell? Was it my breathing? A guilty look on my face maybe?"
She said, "No. You're pissing sideways into my face."

[gymaddict69]

I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church

I use to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.
Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive Shit.......

[gymaddict69]

I read that eating bananas makes your spunk taste nicer, so I've been eating about 20 every day.
There's been a real improvement in the customer feedback reviews at the Burger King where I work.

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."

[gymaddict69]

I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.
That's the last time I buy toilet roll from Aldi.

I got pulled by the police today.
I've been seeing a young WPC and she gave me a hand job on her lunch break.

My blind girlfriend keeps saying it's too much hard work giving me a wank.
But I think she might just be pulling my leg

[gymaddict69]

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall have eternal life!"
But John came fifth and won a toaster

The price of 'FAKE NEWS' campaign for a year is estimated to be £315,000.
I thought it cost £147 per year for a BBC TV licence

My girlfriend is very strange, she always starts conversations with "Are you even listening?!"

[gymaddict69]

I've just come into some money. Do you think they will still accept it down the bank?

Nan always says that when she was young she never had to worry about leaving her backdoors open.......what a slag

I thought a loaf of bread was calling me names, but on closer inspection it read "thick cut".

[gymaddict69]

Religion is basically an argument about who has the best imaginary friend.

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman.
The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

I went into a sex shop, "Excuse me, " I asked, "have you got a massive dildo?"
"Yes sir, " the assistant said and showed me a massive dildo. "Shall I wrap if for you sir? he asked.
"No, " I replied, "but if you don't mind would you shove it up my arse as far as it will go, I've been thinking about voting conservative and I need a reminder of what's likely to happen if they win. "