Jokes

[gymaddict69]

What goes..... Click click click........is that it? Click click click........is that it? Click click click........is that it?
Stevie Wonder doing a Rubik’s cube!

I'm not sure why hunting is called a sport. Is it really a sport when one team doesn't know the match has started?

[aki32]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...?

...He worked his problem out with a pencil.

...It was a number two pencil.

Sorry!!!!!

[aki32]

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

[aki32]

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail school
Fail school = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = skinny
Skinny = ugly
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression Depression = sickness
Sickness = death

Lesson: Don't ever lose your pen

[aki32]

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

Hahaha

[aki32]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[aki32]

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

[aki32]

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

[gymaddict69]

man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry
policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"..

I'll never forget the day I came into the world.
My geography teacher caught me with my cock in her globe.

[gymaddict69]

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

I had a job interview last night for a job as a Blacksmith
The person interviewing me asked "Have you ever shoed a horse before"
I replied "No but I once told a Donkey to Fuck off if that's any help"