Jokes

[gymaddict69]

My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had so I decided to shave one of his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.
My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.

Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious source of food for garden birds.
It also serves as a warning to other coconuts to keep the fuck away from your garden.

[oneoneeightoneoneeight]

[gymaddict69]

I took a new girlfriend out for a meal the other evening. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu, Caviar, Lobster and Champagne, I'd just about scraped up enough cash to pay for it, but I would be potless after. I said sarcastically "Does your mother feed you like that at home"? She replied "No, but my mothers' not expecting a blow job tonight is she"?
"Bon appetite", I replied

[gymaddict69]

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...'
I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't fucking invite you'

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows.
It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.

[gymaddict69]

I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road when it occurred to me that I should find a better place to make a wicker basket.

I was out shopping yesterday and I bought myself a ring binder.
I haven't been able to have a shit since

[Jester62]

One Day Little Johnny Was walking Up A Big Hill Dragging His Big Red Go-Kart Behind Him Saying " F**k This ", " F**K That " 

The Town Priest Hear's This And Walks Up To Johnny And Says " You Shouldn't Swear Like That Johnny. God Is All Around Us." 

" Is He In The Sky?" Asks Johnny. " Yes " Says The Priest. 

" Is He In That Bush Over There ?" Asks Johnny. " Yes " Says The Priest.

" Is He In My Go-Kart Seat?" Asks Johnny. " Yes " Says The Priest. 

" We'll Tell Him To Get His Fat Lazy Arse, The F**k Out And Push. 
____________________________________________________

Q : What Does A Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac Do? 

A : Stays Awake All Night Wondering If There Really Is A Dog. 

____________________________________________________

Loch Ness Monster. 

An Atheist Was Rowing On The Lake When Suddenly The Loch Ness Monster Attacked Grabbing Him From The Boat. 

He Panicked And Said " God Help Me !" 

Then Suddenly The Momster And Everything Around Him Stopped.

A Voice From The Heavens Boomed " You Say You Don't Believe In Me, Now Your Asking For My Help!" 

The Atheist Said " Well, I Didn't Believe In The Loch Ness Monster 10 Seounds Ago Either." 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Regards Jester

[gymaddict69]

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

[loadsofposts69]

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'

[loadsofposts69]

Ballymena United fan travelled to Bangor to see his team play the league leaders. He went into a pub for a few quick ones before the match but stayed rather too long and forgot about the game entirely.
The match was long over when he left the pub and he caught the bus home and immediately fell asleep.
He woke with a start some time later, and glancing out of the window, saw a sign which read B A L L Y M E N A 30, BA N G O R 20.
'Hurray!' he shouted. 'I knew we could beat the beggars!'

[loadsofposts69]

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"