Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.


A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
Police officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
Police officer: "occupation?"
German: "No, no. Just visiting"


My mate got home today to find his wife had left him, she took his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish.... feel sorry for him..... No Woman, No Sky.

[gymaddict69]

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder.
The driver shits himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"Fuck me, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder."
"Sorry," says the cabbie, "It's my first day. I've been driving a fucking hearse for the last 20 years"

[gymaddict69]

That's the last time I go to a charity dinner dance for amputees.
Cost me an arm and a leg to get in.

My dog can retrieve a stick from upto a mile away..
.. or does that sound far fetched ?


You know how I stopped my girlfriend from smoking?
Lubricant

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

A teacher assks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But miss, what about the song? "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen!"

[gymaddict69]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it wassomething she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "why do you love doing that?"
"Because" she replied "I really miss mine"

[gymaddict69]

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

"Give it to me, give it to me!," she screamed, "I'm so wet!"
"No," I replied, "It's my umbrella."

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

When I die I want the words humble engraved on my statue.

[gymaddict69]

I went into a library and asked the librarian if they had a book called,
'How to get away with committing adultery'.
"We did have, " he replied, "but your wife checked it out last week."

I had my birthday last week so my wife bought me one of those exercise smart watches.
So far I've wanked 15 miles.