Jokes

[StrumSolo]

[Outlaw87]

[StrumSolo]

[lorensimon]

[RussyRover]

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

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The new Euro language

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

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Who wants to be A Blond Millionaire?

Meredith (Host): Sindy!! You made it to $500,000 you are one away from the million!!! You still have your phone a friend lifeline left.
Sindy: I am so excited, let's play.
Meridith: Ok Sindy here is your final question. Which one of these birds do not build its own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Sindy: I think that I know the answer but I am just not sure. I think I am going to use my phone a friend.
Meridith: Who would you like to call Sindy?
Sindy: I think that I am going to call Tammy (Sindy's Blonde Friend)
Meridith: Lets get Tammy on the line.
Tammy is now on the line.
Sindy: Tammy!! I am going for the million dollars, right now! I need your help with this last question. Which one of these birds does not build its' own nest? A. Sparrow B. Humming Bird C. Cuckoo or D. Robin?
Tammy: Oh Sindy that is easy!!! It is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: How sure are you Tammy?
Tammy: I am 100% sure that it is the Cuckoo.
Sindy: Thanks Tammy.
Meridith: Your friend seems pretty confident. If you get this question right you will win the Million. But if you get this question wrong, then you will drop back down to $32,000.
Sindy: I am going to go for it. C. Cuckoo final answer.
Meridith: Sindy…You are a MILLIONAIRE. Cuckoo was the correct answer.

Later on that night Sindy is super excited and has a massive celebration with all of her friends and family. She invites Tammy over to celebrate with them. When Tammy arrives Sindy wants to thank her personally for helping her with the million-dollar question.

Sindy: Tammy how in the world did you know that a Cuckoo is the bird that doesn't build its' own nest?
Tammy: Sindy…everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

[StrumSolo]

Matching outfits, awkward.

[gooner666]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[StrumSolo]

What does everyone think of this card I just picked up for fMR's birthday?

[lorensimon]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"



An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives;
Mother, Father and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building.
As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up.
They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

[RussyRover]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, reaking of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, ... "Broccoli - 39 cents a pound."

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A woman is caught shoplifting and sent to court. "And what did you steal?" asks the magistrate.

"A bunch of bananas, Your Honour"
"How many bananas was that"
"There were five bananas in the bunch."
"I see, in that case, I think a sentence of 5 months would be appropriate."

Her husband shouts from the back of the court, "She also stole a bunch of grapes..."

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Jimmy, who was on holiday on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate ... you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Jimmy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Jimmy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?

' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate ... the potato goes in the front!'

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Scientists in America have announced that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove the theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and lost the ability to drive....