Jokes

[lorensimon]

Top 10 Bushisms !!!

The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

[RussyRover]

Valentines day... The one day in a year buying cocaine is cheaper than buying flowers...



"And today on Weight Fighters, we welcome Mandy from Staines, who has lost an incredible 3 stone in one week, how have you managed it Mandy?"
"I've stopped going to McDonalds, KFC and Burger King and the local Kebab shop" she said.
"That must have taken some will power Mandy?"
"Not really", she said, "I can't swim!"



I would like to congratulate everyone involved in the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics for doing a fantastic job.
Especially the guy who managed to convince Vladimir Putin that he had found 2,000 male dancers and figure skaters who don't take it up the arse.....



David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year... Even if he has to write the song himself....



An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



My girlfriend just rang me and asked if I fancied a meal and a movie tonight?
So I told her to drop them off around 7pm tonight.....




If men had a vagina for a day they would:

1. Wonder what the little pink button next to it does.
2. Lie in bed all morning with a hand mirror.
3. Get up and go shopping for cucumbers.
4. Go to church and pray for breasts as well.
5. Secretly worry about whether it was bigger than everybody else's.
6. Lie in bed all afternoon with a home video camera.
7. Finally find that damn g-spot that all the fuss is about.
8. Get picked up in a bar without even trying.
9. Have an orgasm - then have another one without needing a nap first.
10. Repeat Number 9.

[StrumSolo]

[Outlaw87]

[RussyRover]

One day a lion was walking around the jungle, sad, lonely, and bored stiff, when he spotted a monkey high up in tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared.
So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up, 'I'll come down."
The lion tied himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking. The lion said, "Hey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know" replied the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking." "Why are you shaking then?" asked the lion. "It's the excitement, explains the monkey. "I've never shagged a lion before."



Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.



You Know You're a Hick Jedi When...

- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your Lightsabre to open a bottle of Bud Light.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
- If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle"

[Outlaw87]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

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TV Licensing's top 10 excuses:

1. "A pigeon fell down the chimney and broke the aerial so I have bad reception."

2. "My 11-year-old son must have bought the TV during the night. It wasn't there when I went to bed."

3. "My payment card's been stuck in the washing machine so I can't pay."

4. "I've not paid due to my shop only accepting £5 and £10 notes and I haven't got any of those."

5. "I've not been making payments as a baby magpie flew into my house and I had to stay in and feed it until it was ok."

6. "I only use the TV to keep the horses company and one of them is blind so I should only pay half if I have to pay at all."

7. "I can't get the TV out of the box - can you help me?"

8. "My dog watches it when I'm at work to keep him company - not me."

9. "My mum told me to tell you she's not in."

10. "I've not bought a licence as I dreamt I didn't have to and the saying is you've to follow your dreams."

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A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[Outlaw87]

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"

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A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "



"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."




The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"




One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

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Honest Bumper Stickers

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

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A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

[Outlaw87]

I had a fight with my dyslexic girlfriend, she sent me a text saying she wanted to do Alan!!, turns out she wanted to do Anal!

[RussyRover]

Definitions

Bum: (bum) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting)

Commitment: (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Communication: (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Entertainment: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert. play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence: (flach-u-lens)

Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Remote Control: (ri-mote kon-throl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through 75 channels every two and a half minutes.

Taste: (tayst) v.

Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Thingy: (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable: (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

Wants and Needs: (wontz and needz) n.

Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical, and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex, and beer.

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Salespeak

New: Different colour from previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Advanced Design: The Advertising Agency doesn't understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

Years of Development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn't work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Redesigned: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance Proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all Standards: Ours, not yours.

New Generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented Performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Microprocessor Controlled: Does things we can't explain.

[lorensimon]