Jokes

[StrumSolo]

Fanny Fidler.

[RussyRover]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Remind me not to fly Qantas!!!!

[Outlaw87]

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."



A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.''


The Shepherd Story

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The young man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give him back to me?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business.

NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DOG."

[StrumSolo]

Tyres and hubcaps for tits. She gets my vote.

[RussyRover]

Little Jimmy asks his dad to buy him a new bicycle.
"I'm sorry son" says dad "We can't afford it. Money's tight at the moment. We have a £100,000 mortgage, the roof needs replacing and the foundations are subsiding. It's going to cost us a lot of money to put that right."
Jimmy nods his head sadly and walks off. Next morning, Dad sees Jimmy heading for the front door with a couple of packed suitcases.
"And where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm getting the hell out of here" replies Jimmy.
"Why?" asks Dad.
"I heard you and mum last night in the bedroom. You said you were puling out and she said to hang on, as she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm going to be left all by myself in a sinking house with a leaky roof and a £100,000 mortgage, with no bike!"




I'm going to rename my cock "Thelifeoutofme" because my missus is always willing to suck that......



I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail........



One evening, a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde came waltzing in and the priest asked her: "What can I do for you my child?"
The blonde immediately jumped on him and said: "I want you now! Take me!"
"I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed.
"Shag me now!" she replied. "Shag me hard up the ass!"
The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse to reveal a pair of huge breasts. "But my child" he protested, "you are in the house of the Lord."
"I don't care, take this horny virgin now, you sexy son of a bitch!"
The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and looking up at the Lord, he cried: "Jesus Christ, help me. What should I do?"
A voice came back: "Don't just bloody stand there, you idiot. Get me down off this bloody cross!"



How The Seven Dwarfs Got Their Names

Miss Snow White was a randy cow, and desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods, to try and get some luck.
She'd almost given up looking, when she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled upon a cottage, and went in to have a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds, and she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in, with a merry song and dance.
Snow White stood there speechless, and thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag, but now she could have seven.

Straightaway she took command, "My pussy needs a lick,
When one dwarf moved forward, she said "you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went on to all fours, and said "I ain't licking that"
"Not there, that is my arsehole, you DOPEY little brat.

The next dwarf started blushing, "Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said, "Don't be BASHFUL, unless you're a kind of queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out, to prove he was no fool
And Snow White gave a big "Hi-Ho". as she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling, Cos he hadn't had a sniff
And due to his impatience, he couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard" so he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough, he shot his creamy load.

The next dwarf got a blow job, and she took him deep quite easy.
But the relief made his nose a twitch, so she just called him SNEEZY.
With 3 dwarfs left, she turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob
But no sooner had he entered her, he was sleeping on the job,

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard", She wanted more from him,
And he woke with such excitement, that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his dick up her, and shagged her pussy raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered, "That should be against the law"

He made poor Snow White tremble, he was so big and thick,
"No wonder you're so HAPPY, with that fucking great big dick,
With one dwarf still remaining, but feeling rather sore,
She said, "you'll have to use your tongue, my twat can't take no more"

So he put his tongue to work, where others had placed their cocks,
And Cos he made Snow White feel better, she named the last one DOC
So there's the truth about the dwarfs, and how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White, and joining her in games....

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

I heard about this prostitute who sleeps with builders, carpenters, electricians, plumbers....

She's a jack off all trades!

Amirite?

[StrumSolo]

[lorensimon]

.... HAHAHAHA WTF mate LOOOOOOL :D

https://soundcloud.com/jesse-koren/activate-the-swag

[RussyRover]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner, there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye." - BOOM BOOM...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of huge contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed.
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him, and never come back,
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in leather, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Dave. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".