Jokes

[RussyRover]

Mick is going through customs at Dublin Airport when he is asked to identify a bottle in his luggage.
"That's Holy Water I've brought back from Lourdes" says Mick.
The customs officer opens it, sniffs it and says, "This smells more like whisky to me.
"Isn't that fantastic!" replies Mick. "Another bloody miracle!"

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Reasons why bicycles are better than women:

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your bicycle with friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

If your bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

If you say horrible things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.

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I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.
It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about...

[iamme]

The very latest in office jargon

A Mills and Doom – doomed office romance

Adhocracy - a department with little to no process or organisational ability

Administrivia – vitally important stuff that managers leave to everyone else

Agenda Bender - a co-worker who is easily side-tracked in meetings.

Al desco dining – eating at your desk. See also Deskfast

Blamestorming – a meeting in which a scapegoat is identified for causing a problem

Blownus – the money which would have gone on paying bonuses that was spent on the directors xmas lunch (via @RobWeatherhead)

Brandalism – sticking company logos on everything and anything

A Buellerlemic – an employee addicted to throwing a sickie (via @the_wonderer)

Chainsaw Consultant – an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count

Chartist – an accountant with a deep love of graphs

Chinese holiday - taking a five minute break by faking the need for the loo and just sitting on a china latrine, head in hands

Clapathy – not caring enough about what you’ve just seen to applaud (via@ britmex)

Communicaking – a session where employers encourage staff to network with colleagues by bribing them with coffee and donuts (via @lordyred)

Crapplicant – an applicant that’s crap. ( via Tarik Haksever )

Credit munch – switching to a cheaper lunch

Cybernating – snoozing at your computer

Decruiting – firing someone

Deja-moo – bullshit that you’ve heard before

Delegut - A representative at a conference whose sole contribution seems to be that of demolishing the lunch buffet. (@alienonline)

Desk jockey – office-based employee (via @the_wonderer)

Deskfast - eating your breakfast at your desk (via @GriffySavalas)

Dracula shift – Going to work in the dark. Going home in the dark

The Dopeler effect: Tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly (via @liencam)

Ego-Surfing – Searching Google for instances of your name. (via @andybwhittle)

Flashturbation – self-congratulatory and excessive use of animation in Powerpoint

Fleemail. Email delegating responsibilities whilst avoiding confrontation, sent just as your boss is about to leave (via @alienonline)

A Friday FOE. Someone who tends to leave early for the weekend. (ie Fucks Off Early) via @YouNoPayMeBunt

Goat rodeo – an embarrassing meeting

Googlenosis – looking up symptoms on the web to make your sickie more believable. (via @FullMetalAnnie )

Google Zoo – when an entire office is pretending to work

Horizontal Promotion: climbing the career ladder while laying on your back. (via @GazzaB162)

Incompitemp Temporary office drone. Serving only to drain budgets and wreak havoc. Possibly offset by tea making skills. (via @Johnny_Two_Dogs- )
iTea department – a group of individuals who break up their day with excessive kitchen loitering. (viathe_wonderer )

Kebab manoeuvre – packing up low quality products, heavily marketing them and selling at an elevated price

Lynx Minx – A female who brings improvements in personal hygiene in male staff (via @Neil_Mawer)

A Middleton – posh, pretty dimwit in the marketing dept who is only killing time until she marries into money (via @mothmun)

Mushroom Management. Keeping staff in the dark and covered in shit. (via@matwhite80)

Open Kimono – throwing an idea out, but being open to criticism

Parliamentary bonus - act of wrongly claiming expenses to get more money

Pope-ing it – when losing the real argument during a meeting, to take the moral high ground

Putting socks on an octopus – an impossible task

Randy Pogo – someone who jumps around the office trying to get laid

Ricky Malaise – The discomfort felt when someone attempts a David Brent impersonation (via @BenedictFarse)

Ronnie Bics - the great stationery cupboard robber (via @abbiehas)

Scatisfaction - the smug feeling one gets whilst taking an extended dump on company time (via @RandomVitriol )

Shirking from home (via @texanbar)

Special Projects Manager = dead man walking (via @Rbattams)

Special sauce – adding a low-cost ingredient to a poor product and achieving a 500% mark-up

Stroperator – the mardy bitch on reception with an over-inflated sense of importance. (via @abbiehas)

Teahydrated – the urge, nay the need for tea (via @will_woodward)

Teflon Shoulders - nickname for co-worker who offloads work to others, a drop of the shoulder and it slides off onto someone else (via @RobWeatherhead)

T.W.A.T - a person who doesn’t work Monday or Friday – only Tue Wed And Thu (via @martinmitchell )

Wallpapering fog – a pointless exercise

Zombie project – an initiative that keeps coming back to life no matter how many previous attempts to kill it

[StrumSolo]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1 A salt shaker,
2 A shot of Baileys,
3 A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
‘First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.’
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

Small price to pay...

[StrumSolo]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
‘How come you are sweating?’ he asks.
The parrot replies, ‘Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?’

[RussyRover]

On the first morning of his honeymoon, Dave surprises his new bride with breakfast in bed.

He puts down a tray with a plate of bacon, eggs, mushrooms and sausages, fresh orange juice, a rack of toast, and a nice pot of tea.

"What do you think?" asks Dave.
"Oh, Dave it's wonderful" his bride replies.
Dave continues, "Well, make sure you remember how it's all laid out, because this is how I want it every morning."

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Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.

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A young man and woman had been in a relationship for three months.
One Friday night they met in a bar after work, had a couple of drinks then went to grab something to eat at a local restaurant. They ate, went back to his house and she stayed over.

Her Story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought that it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate to talk. We went to this restaurant and he was still a bit strange.
I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't seem to make any difference. I asked him if the problem was me, but he said that it wasn't. In the cab back to his house, I told him that I loved him, but he just put his arm round me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say he loved me in return.
By the time we got to his place, I actually wondered if he was going to dump me. I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I told him that I was going to bed. After ten minutes he joined me and we made love.
But he still seemed really distracted and afterwards I just wanted to leave. I really don't know what he thinks any more. I wonder if he's met someone else.

His Story:

Bad day at work, but at least I got laid...

[StrumSolo]

[gooner666]

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[StrumSolo]

[RussyRover]

After examining a male patient, the doctor took the man's wife to one side. "I must be honest with you" said the doctor in an ominous tone, I don't like the look of your husband."

"Me neither" said the wife. "But he brings home a good wage and he's great with the kids." ....BOOM BOOM....

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

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The Truth About Diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you....

[Outlaw87]

Worlds shortest joke!!!!

2 women sat quietly :P:P