Jokes

[LA Maestro]

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"

"No, what?"

"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

[gooner666]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

[gooner666]

I was walking down The Mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, "Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country."

"But Chan, you're Chinese," I replied. "All those flags are British."

"No, they're not," he laughed. "Just take a look at the labels."

---

My girlfriend was really shouting at me.


"Listen babe, don't get angry, get even", I suggested.


"And how do I do that!", she demanded.


"I'll let you finger MY sister..."

[bi_raven]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

---

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[gymaddict69]

I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music, VHS tapes and Mr Kipling cakes. Im now footloose and fancy free.

---

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night. We were actually watching Captain America but the wife had her sister over and i asked if i could have a piece of their chocolate.

[gymaddict69]

Man boobs are awesome..Oh s**t i forgot the comma.
I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until i babysat her last night. At feeding time i made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much,burped, threw up and fell asleep. Now i see the resemblance.

[gymaddict69]

A Jehovah's witness just knocked on my door and showed me one of her leaflets. After politely declining to accept it, she insisted "here take it. You never know, it might come in useful". So i scrunched it up into a ball and threw it at her face. She was right

[gymaddict69]

My boss told me today that i have won employee of the month. What a result, i dont even remember buying a raffle ticket but i hope its Carol in the office, shes got massive tits.

[gymaddict69]

A gang of rogue tailors came into our town recently, made numerous alterations and proceeded to leave. Police have threatened to arrest them if they turn up again.

---

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'. 'You're still fu**ing late' replied my boss.

[gymaddict69]

My brother came out of the closet today. I knew i should have used a better lock.

My girlfriend is pretty kinky but she refuses to have a threesome because shes says its sick. I cant see why, my grandma was game.