Jokes

[gymaddict69]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

[gymaddict69]

"I think i have been bitten on my bum", said my wife, bending over and pulling up her skirt. "Can you see it?"
"Oh my god" i said. "Its absolutly massive". " Is it?" she replied. " Yes" i said. " Its gonna take a while to check."

[gymaddict69]

I phoned my wife earlier. "Im just setting off from work. Do you want me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home?"
It was met with a stoney silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[gymaddict69]

There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs. Five percent liked the look, Fifteen percent liked the feel and the other eighty percent liked the silence.

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I was sucking of this bird last night when i thought, "WAIT A MINUTE..."

[gymaddict69]

U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going to sell tickets or break into my living room and just start playing?

My dog started shitting in the house so my wife suggested that i took it to the vet. In all fairness the vet said it was the healthiest dog shit he had ever examined.

[gymaddict69]

I was shocked today when my wife tried to give me a blowjob whilst i was driving. Totally f**ked up my tee shot. My opinions are like my bed sheets. I only change them if it helps get me laid.

[gtef55]

You really do stink

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

[gymaddict69]

Women say they like tall men. But im probably atleast 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet.

The A-Team and Mcgyver were famous for making something out of nothing. I have them both beat. I made my son using only alcohol and poor judgement.

[gtef55]

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay. But the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I'll take an eight."

[gymaddict69]

The first present i opened this christmas was a penknife. I was so excited, i used it to cut open all of my other presents. Shame about the puppy.
I went back to a girls house last night. After getting naked on her sofa, she pointed to her coffee table and said "Would you rather shag me over that?". I said "yes i would, you are much prettier".