Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Theres no pleasing the wife sometimes.
She wanted help with the housework so i got my girlfriend to come round to help..and she went mental.

I cooked a medium rare steak for my mate earlier.
'I like it well done' he said.
'Thanks' i said. 'That means a lot'.

[gymaddict69]

When i got in from work my wife got down on her knees in front of me and started tugging my trousers.
“Give me your load baby, I beg you to give me your hot dirty load”, she said impatiently.
Well with that I stripped myself naked and threw my clothes into a pile on the kitchen floor and approached her with my rock hard cock. “Thanks”, she said politely, as she got up and put my clothes into the washing machine.

[gymaddict69]

My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"
I thought "Fucking hell, what a weird way to start a conversation".

A young Novice goes to the Mother Superior and says "After eight months in this Convent, I'm really missing sex"
The Mother Superior asks "Have you tried pleasuring yourself with a candle my child"?
The young Novice replies "Yes, but it's too boring, the same old thing, wick in and wick out"

[gymaddict69]

My wife bought a catsuit the other day.
Cat looks a right cunt in it.

My missus told me she'd got an invite to a fancy dress party.
"Oh, that explains the latex rubber sumo wrestler suit you're trying on"
She replied "What fucking latex rubber sumo suit? I'm naked you bastard"

Went along to see the ladies cricket team for the first time. Glad I did... There was a woman bowler with big tits, who took long run-ups.
You should have seen her bouncers.

[Jester62]

Hi Gymaddict And All You Rampnat Hentai's.

Que - Why Did The Atheist Throw Her Watch Out Of A Second Floor Window?

Ans - She Wanted To See If It Was Designed Intelligently Enough To Evolve Into A Bird.

Regards Jester

[gymaddict69]

I was sitting on the bus, opposite a beautiful Thai bird.
She tantalisingly spread her legs.
I thought to myself, "For fuck's sake, dont get a hard on".
Unfortunately she did!

I was having a piss in urinal at the pub, and a midget was pissing in the one next to me I noticed that he kept winking at me I said "what's up with you pal are you gay or something?"
He replied "no I'm not, your piss just keeps splashing in my eyes "  

[gymaddict69]

The problem with political jokes is that they often get elected prime minister

If women think all men are the same, why do they take so long to choose one?

Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687.
Before that, people could fly.

All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup ! My phone is now completely Hans Free

[gymaddict69]

I was asked in class today about how I viewed lesbian relationships... ...Apparently 'in 4K ultra high definition' wasn't the right answer

police have announced that a Clairvoyant midget has escaped from custody, they have warned of a small medium at large.

[gymaddict69]

I asked at the chemist today, "Do you have anything to clear up dihoreea?"
The pharmacist said, "try these tablets"
I replied, "No, I mean like a mop and bucket, I've just shit on your floor"

We were all sat down watching the footie last night when my youngest son said " Dad, I need to tell you something..........I'm gay"
Then my eldest son said " Dad, I need to tell you that I'm gay also"
I said "Fuck me, is there anyone in this household other than me, that likes shagging women"?
"I do Dad" replied my daughter

[gymaddict69]

I've just texted my wife: 'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'
She texted back: 'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'
So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks instead.

I have a pal who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.
A decade married, and he's still nuts over her