Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and asked, "Can you please have my children? I'll be no longer than a couple of minutes, I promise."
"Of course, John." She replied.
"Great!" I said. "Quick then, get your knickers off."

As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked "Do you like that? "
"No", she relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich? "

[gymaddict69]

A terrorist attack has blown away two houses in Syria.
One was made of straw and the other made of wood.
Police have said that it's probably a lone wolf

I left some Quorn in the supermarket the other day. I went back and asked, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince?"
The shop assistant replied, "No, but walk up and down and I'll give you my honest opinion".

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

I was chatting to a guy at work the other day he said he was adopted and had been raised by Two gay men .
Cant see why he got annoyed with me I only asked " if they reared him together Or took turns ".

Who was the roundest knight at king Arthur’s table?
Sir Cumference

[gymaddict69]

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple thank you is all I need.
None of this 'How did you get in my house' nonsense.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

"Dad, I'm sorry I forgot to get you something for Father's Day."
"That's okay son" he said, "I forget things all the time too."
"Like what?" i asked "
Like the time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little bastard like you in my life."

[gymaddict69]

I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and i'm disgusted with you " i said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married", she said. "Sometime's we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our fuckin honeymoon" , I replied.

[gymaddict69]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[gymaddict69]

I went to the bank. The teller slipped me a note that said "There are 2 armed men here."
So I wrote back "That's great. I don't want a one-armed man counting my money."

Jim Bowen. ‪Eric Bristow. ‪Shit. ‪Poor old Bully must be shitting himself right now

[gymaddict69]

I always keep my eye's shut when I'm sat on the train. I hate seeing old ladies standing.

It’s going to be awkward if Mr and Mrs Burr ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

I found a discarded needle outside my house again today...I used to live in a nice area before these new neighbours moved in
...Fucking diabetics!

[gymaddict69]

Interviewer - "so, can you tell us about yourself?"
Me: "I'd rather not, I want this job"

To be fair, some feminist comics have a lot of decent material..
Just a shame it’s covering their tits.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.