Jokes

[gymaddict69]

An employee in our department at work has retired after 44 years without using one sick day.
Management have described her as “dedicated.”
We all knew her as “that cow who kept giving us the flu.”

I gave my daughter away at the altar today.
"She's been shagging the best man!" I yelled.

[gymaddict69]

I said to a woman at work, "Are you doing anything this weekend?"
"No," she smiled.
"Good," I said, "get some rest, you look like shit."

What's the best thing about fucking your cousin?
You can't get him pregnant.

If I find out the name of the surgeon that fucked up my limb transplant....
..I'll kill him with my bear hands.

[gymaddict69]

"One mans trash is another mans treasure"
In retrospect wasn't the nicest way to tell my son he's adopted

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Kit-Kats.
I suggested we have a break.

A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says "Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".

[gymaddict69]

My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

Prince William is to be his brother Harry's best man.
Sounds about right. A ginger with no mates so his brother has to step in.

[gymaddict69]

Three men are captured by female savages and are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropiate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied "i work for Dyson".

[gymaddict69]

I asked my new cellmate "how long are You in for?"
He said, “until I shoot my load bitch!"

My wife gets really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.
he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

Apparently according to my so-called doctors, teeth marks on the cock are not classified as a serious head wound.

[gymaddict69]

Paddy ges to court for armed robbery!
The jury foreman comes out and announced "not guilty"
"That's grand", shouted Paddy! "Does that mean i can keep the money?"

My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"
I said, "Why are you shouting?"
She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

[gymaddict69]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

[gymaddict69]

During meditation, a monk asks his master "Master, if a man shaves his asscrack, is he gay"?
His master thought for a moment  and replied : "A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor".

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1.

[gymaddict69]

Thank you for your order from our sex shop.
You asked for the large red dildo as featured on our wall.
Please select another product, that is our fire extinguisher.

The phone rings and the wife awnsers.
A pervert breathing heavily says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
The wife replies, "yes i do, he's watching tv..who shall i say is calling?"