Jokes

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

"For Pete's sake, "that's it I've had enough, I'm leaving you, I'm fucking sick to death of your obsessive jealousy and you always accusing me of cheating on you" my wife yelled at me as she slammed the door.

"Just hang on a minute" I yelled back "Who the fucking hell is Pete"

[gymaddict69]

Paddy gets a job in Asda when a woman shopper finds him sexy and she is really horny so she asks Paddy to help her with her shopping to the car. On the way she can't hold back anymore and says to Paddy "I have an itchy pussy"...Paddy replies "You're gonna have to point it out love, all these fucking Japanese cars look the same to me!"

[gymaddict69]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke

As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought,
“Really need to get that toilet fixed.”

[gymaddict69]

"Come into the bedroom, and I'll show you a good time" I said to the wife.
When she came in I showed her pictures of me and my mates before we got married.

Woman .. Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist . Yes
Woman .. Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist . Yes, if I take two

[gymaddict69]

I hear the factory worker at Pepsi got the sack.....he tested positive for coke.

"It's a boy!" I shouted. As I ran out of the Thai brothel

My French bulldog hasn’t lost his origins. When he sees a cat, he drops his stick and puts his paws in the air!

[gymaddict69]

How can you tell if a man is from Yorkshire or not?
If he hasn’t told you in the first 30 seconds of meeting him, he isn’t from Yorkshire.

A guy with a stutter died in prison... Before he could finish his sentence

Whats the definition of Irony? Size 22 Skinny jeans.

[gymaddict69]

This is getting out of hand now. Every morning since Monday, a German Shepherd has come to my garden and had a shit on the lawn. Guess what happened today.
The cheeky cunt brought his dog with him

Just chicken proofed my lawn
Its impeccable

[gymaddict69]

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie.
Apparently "Shatner panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

I invited my girlfriend round to eat something my Mum made.
"Ooh! Really? " she said. "What is it?"
"Me."

[gymaddict69]

My wife won't let me watch porn because "it gives men unrealistic expectations about love and relationships."
Meanwhile she's been showing our daughter Disney movies since she was born.

If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.