Jokes

[parkaner]

[gymaddict69]

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related

There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

[gymaddict69]

I got a right slap across the face yestreday.
I got into a lift (elevator for our colonial friends), and this busty woman followed me in and I couldn't stop staring at her big tits.
Then she said "Would you mind pressing 1 for me"
I must say, the slap was worth it.

I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on, on my lap & virus free.

[gymaddict69]

I've been going round town all day asking girls to show me their breasts if I show them my tattoo.
It's only fair, tit for tat.


I've just bought a house with old period features.
She fucking hates it when I call her that.

[gymaddict69]

My mum walked in my room & said "You'll go blind if you do that"
I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse

A court in India has granted a woman a divorce on the grounds that her husband failed to provide her with an indoor toilet. Interestingly enough, my wife also divorced me over disagreements regarding access to the shitter.

[gymaddict69]

I left a packet of Quorn at the supermarket checkout today.
I went back and asked the assistant, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince ? "
She said, "No, but walk up and down that aisle and I'll give you my honest opinion"

I was asked about pet hates.
"My dog hates it when I put my finger up his arse, " I replied.

[SirWanksAlot86]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[gymaddict69]

I don't want to panic anyone, but i'm posting this from Intensive Care.
Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't meant to be used for what I thought.

R.I.P Boiling water.
You will be mist.

A guy is watching a bum fishing underneath a bridge, pulling out one trout after another and throwing them back in. Asked why he was throwing the fish back in,the bum replied, "the fish are easy to catch...it's that mattress I'm after.

[SirWanksAlot86]

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

[SirWanksAlot86]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”