Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I came out to my best friend recently and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me. That was his first mistake.

Man: Excuse me, madam, can I smell your vagina?
Woman: No you most certainly cannot.
Man: Well perhaps it's your feet then?

Apparently you can tell the sex of a horse by counting how many teeth it has.
Or you could just look to see if it's got a massive cock.

[Jester62]

Jesus, Moses And An Old Man Go Golfing.

Moses Tees Off First.
He Smashes The Ball So Hard It's Heading Right For The Water Hazard Before The Green.
Moses Raises His Club , And Parts The Water Making It On To The Green.


Jesus Gets Up To Swing And Cranks One Out, It Too Is Heading For The Water Hazard, Closing His Eyes He Prays.
The Ball Skips Across The Water Landing Upon The Green Within Two Feet Of The Hole.


The Old Mans Turn Now , He Deep Cuts The Ball Sending It Skyward On Course To Drop Right Into Center Of The Water Hazard.
A Fish Jumps Out Swallowing The Ball, An Eagle Drops Out Of The Sky Grabbing The Fish.
As The Eagle Flies Over The Green , A Bolt Of Lightning Strikes The Eagle Making It Drop The Fish.
As The Fish Hits The Green The Fish Spits Out The Ball And Rolls Into The Hole, A Hole In One.


Jesus Looks Up At Moses And Says " Well Next Time It Might Be Best If I Leave Dad At Home!" 


Regards Jester

[gymaddict69]

My neighbour has had 44 concussions. He lives just a stones throw away

"Mayday! Mayday! I'm a blind passenger in a small aircraft. The pilot is dead and the plane is flying upside down."
Air Traffic Control: "If you're blind, how do you know you're flying upside down?"
"The shit is running down my back!"

[Outlaw87]

If your dog is barking at the back door, & your wife is yelling at the front door who do u let in 1st?

The dog
He'll shut up once you let him in

[gymaddict69]

My nan told me that she once gave Albert Einstein a handjob.
What a stroke of genius

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

[gymaddict69]

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night

The wife is restless is bed tonight.
There must be a cake in the fridge

My brother was so mean when I was a child.
He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them

[gymaddict69]

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.
I might go if I've got nothing on.

My mate just phoned me up and asked me what my ringtone is.
I said, "Light brown," I think.

My ex girlfriends pussy is like a battery, its only afterwards you think "why the fuck did I lick that".

[gymaddict69]

My wife came to bed in tears last night, saying she can't live up to the girls in my porn mags.
I took her in my arms and made sweet love to her.
Then when I was finished, I shoved her under the bed.

Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat.
My nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did fuck all.

[gymaddict69]

Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me.
I've been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller one's tend to hurt less.

Looking at the weather app to check so I just asked Siri: "Surely its not going to rain again today?"
It replied, "it is, and don't call me Shirley!"
Forgotten to take my phone off Airplane mode!!

[gymaddict69]

I've just heard they've found a cure for dyslexia.
That's music to my arse!

"What do we want!?"
"HEARING AIDS!!!"
"When do we want them!?"
"HEARING AIDS!!!"

I was standing at the train station this morning next to a heavily pregnant woman.
I said politely, "When is it due?"
She smiled and replied, "Nine days."
I said, "Nine days? Fuck that, I'll start walking."