Jokes

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

Paddy's wife storms into the kitchen and says to him, 'didn't you fucking hear me just fall down the stairs?'
He replies 'Sorry, i thought it was the start of Eastenders'

Man says to wife, "i had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today".
Wife says, "you should show them your dick, we'd get disability allowance!"

[gymaddict69]

"Honestly love, black is your color. I can honestly say you have never looked sexier"
"Hilarious Dave.. now turn the light back on you cunt"

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

[gymaddict69]

Carrie Fisher is lining up at the pearly gates and bumps into George Michael “oh I love your music – I have all your albums apart from the first one” and George replies “I find your lack of faith disturbing”

I ate so much food on Christmas day I needed a midwife to help me take a shit.

[gymaddict69]

I said to my girlfriend, "I'm sorry for treating you really badly recently. How can I make it up to you?"
"Well you can take me to the cinema tonight."
"Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards."

The wife complains I never buy her flowers.
I never knew she sold them.

[gymaddict69]

during an interview..
Interviewer: "So how long were you employed in your last job?"
Candidate: "I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills."

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We may never know the truth.

[gymaddict69]

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.
I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.

If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...
Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

[gymaddict69]

That slimming club has really helped my obese wife lose weight.
I hit her with it every time she goes near the fridge.


I told my mate I had just had a blow job from an eastern european girl.
"RUSSIA" he said?
No mate I let her take her time....

[gymaddict69]

My mate said, "Imagine Scarlett Johansson sucking your cock, squeezing your balls with one hand and sticking a couple of fingers up your arse with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?"

I said, "Pass me some tissues, would you mate."

[parkaner]