Jokes

[gymaddict69]

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

[SirWanksAlot86]

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[SirWanksAlot86]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[gymaddict69]

How Long is a chinese name?
Yes it is.

80 year old gentleman finds his wife doing a handstand, naked against a wall. Shocked, he asks 'what are you doing?' She says "I know you cant get it up , maybe you can drop it in!"

[SirWanksAlot86]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

[SirWanksAlot86]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"

[gymaddict69]

A husband says to his wife, " My Olympic condoms have arrived..i think i'll wear gold tonight."
His wife replies, " Why not wear silver and come second for a change."

We had a meeting at work tooday and i was asked what steps i would take in the event of a fire.
Apparently "Fucking big ones" wasnt the right answer.

[gymaddict69]

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me.

"Daddy what is a transvestite?"
"Ask Mommy, he knows."

How Long is a chinese name?
Yes it is.

[gymaddict69]

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said: "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?
Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

[Jackdalad]

A boy met a girl....
Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single?
Girl: No, I am a dentist.

A man visited the doctor.
" Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.
"Please undress so I can examine you, " said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.