Jokes

[gymaddict69]

My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...
'You need to make a choice," she said, "It's either me or the stupid pokémon references!"
"I understand", I replied, holding back tears. "Sandra, I choose you!!!"

I was raped by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

[gymaddict69]

A sexy blonde just asked me if i prefer legs or breasts. I said 'Im more into shaved pussy and anal'.
Apparently this is not an acceptable answer when ordering food at kfc.

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

[gymaddict69]

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

[gymaddict69]

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.
I was born ready.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job."

Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married.

[gymaddict69]

A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, "Wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go."
"Alright," says the man, "I want my penis to reach the floor".
So the shark ate his legs.

[gymaddict69]

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

[gymaddict69]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[gymaddict69]

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the papers jammin' again.

[gymaddict69]

A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

[SirWanksAlot86]

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"