Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.
Respect.

Celebrity jungle star Chris Eubank asked producers if his camp mates would object to paedos.
"Er....Yes! I would think so, Mr. Eubank."
"But what will I wear when I'm thwimming?"

[gymaddict69]

Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.
They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

[gymaddict69]

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.
It's starting to wear a little thin.

[gymaddict69]

I've just left feedback for my second hand telescope I bought from eBay.
Rubbish; 2 Stars.

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

[gymaddict69]

I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "You're different to all the other girls I've slept with."

She said, "That's because I'm a bloke, you twat."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.

[gymaddict69]

There's a sign in the gents at work saying, 'Please leave these toilets as you found them.'
So I always walk out backwards.

After a few years of my mates trying to get me to go Thailand I finally went with them.
The first thing they took me to see was a woman shooting darts at balloons out of her vagina.
So I went all that way to watch some cunt play darts!

[gymaddict69]

"I bet you could wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed by now," I said to my wife.
"I probably could," she laughed.
"Great, I'll just go and get yours," I said.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

[gymaddict69]

Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me

The years go by so quickly

Afterme will be 21 next week

[gymaddict69]

Not saying my wife is a bad cook.
But christmas dinner smelled better on its way out.

*CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKE ALERT*
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat'em all.

[gymaddict69]

Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.