Jokes

[Needsasuck]

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
To avoid being mistaken for feminists.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

I went to the psychiatrist today
I told him that I have started hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

[Needsasuck]

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'
Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..
To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..
After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'
The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

[Needsasuck]

A hunter goes to a forest. Fires at a bear, misses, bear is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says "you tried to kill me, either i'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chooses life.
Man goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. Sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. Recognizes the hunter and says" you know the choices".
Hunter after being fucked again brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. Finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin
"You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

[Needsasuck]

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?
Seizure salad

I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today
Stupid capital punishment

Why did the comedian go to doctor?
Because the audience gave him the clap

I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day.
Big mistake.

[Needsasuck]

Have you ever played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 Shots.

What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden?
Being a first-person shooter

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?
Mein Kraft.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I woke up this morning with a huge stiffy.
My obese wife had died in her sleep.

[gymaddict69]

Apparently Marvin Gaye's parents liked the name Albie, but decided on Marvin, which is just as well...
'Let's Albie Gaye and get it on' just doesn't have the same ring to it.

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra

[gymaddict69]

The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.
"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.
"No," I replied. "Do you?"

My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,
He's not such a clever fucker as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.

[gymaddict69]

"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"It's the police, sir."
"You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit."
"We know, sir; the phone box has glass sides!"

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.
On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."
"Grow up," she replied.
"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."
"Stop pissing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

[gymaddict69]

I was walking through town earlier with my wife, when a group of teenagers shouted "Oi, mate! Your missus is seriously fucking ugly!"
"Why don't you just fuck off!" I shouted...At my wife.