Jokes

[gooner666]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

[gymaddict69]

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

[gymaddict69]

I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of shagging. She asked me if I was into anything kinky, and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex catsuit with nipple-tassles, got her whip out of the cupboard, and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed.

Lustfully, and full of alcohol, she looked up to me and said, "Okay, now fuck me!"

So I left. No need for that kind of language.

[gymaddict69]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

[gymaddict69]

What's twelve inches long and snaps a cunt? A selfie stick.

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

[gymaddict69]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

[orionmetus]

what's half a hemorrhoid?
Not a hole pile.

I just saw a sign in a shop
'Mosquito nets £10'

It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.

[gymaddict69]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

[yo232]

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally

My wife was getting ready to go out last night..
"You can't wear that," I said. "I can see your tits under it."
"So you can," she said. "Do I need to wear a bra?"
"Yeah, perhaps," I replied, "or a longer dress."

[gymaddict69]

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam."

The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.