Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."

I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.
I won shitloads of money and moved to Spain.

[gymaddict69]

What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green Paint.

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[gymaddict69]

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

[gymaddict69]

I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.

[gymaddict69]

My wife says its disgusting to piss in the bath.
I suppose i should really wait until she gets out.

I read something the other day that made me piss myself.
It was a sign that said "Toilets closed"

[gymaddict69]

I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their cock with their left hand and 67% use their right.
89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.

My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and had a massive go at me.
"You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed.
"Well so is washing the baby in there, but I don't have a go at you about that!" I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.
She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs.

[gymaddict69]

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.

A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5.

The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5.

She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.

He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.

The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"

The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."

The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."


I made a chicken salad today.

Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it.

[gymaddict69]

"Please, just let me finish." I said to my wife during an argument last night.
"No I will NOT let you finish!" she yelled, pulling me off the prostitute.

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

[gymaddict69]

I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, love... about your t-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said, "Oh, let me guess: you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well, I can't help my size, you know!"

I said, "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said, "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?"

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

[gymaddict69]

Three gay men are in an internet chatroom bragging about the size of their dicks.

White guy: "My dick is so big I have to drop my trousers to take it out"

Black guy: "That's nothing, my dick is so big I can turn my monitor on and off with it while I'm sat in my chair"

Indian guy: "Well my dick is so big that if I laid it out on my keyboard it would stretch all the way from A-Z."

"Wait...shit!"