Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled. Unbelievable what some people are into.

I saw a guy in a wheelchair getting told what to do today. I said, "Don't you just hate being pushed around?"

[gymaddict69]

I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Fuck it. I could win that!'

I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down.
I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

[gymaddict69]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.


I was in McDonald's and this fit young girl took my order.

"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.

"You already have, love" I replied, "so how about a wank for a pound?"

[gymaddict69]

My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away.I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time. I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies.

[gymaddict69]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!" I said, "Who the fuck was that? Stop the car, son."

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally." She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!" "Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

[gymaddict69]

My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath. I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said "Toilets closed"

I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their cock with their left hand and 67% use their right.
89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.

[gymaddict69]

Mummy, mummy, mummy, can I buy a bra now I'm 16? Shut up Albert.

I've just discovered one of my mates is a transsexual and has had a boob job. I'll never be able to look him in the face again.

[gymaddict69]

Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold. Hope so, I've got no tissues left.


A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[gymaddict69]

A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband.

"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling."

"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."

The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for you sex life, love."
To which the old woman replies, "no, but it'll stop him pissing in his fucking slippers!"