Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I went to America because I was told that all the girls love anal.

What a load of fucking bullshit, I must have chatted up at least thirty girls over there and every single one of them said that they only like it in the fanny.

[gymaddict69]

A woman's fanny is like a shed roof.
If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up next door.


Whenever I see anyone open their mouths, I just wanna shove my cock in.
Which is probably why I'm not a dentist anymore.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend says that I don't do anything to 'take her breath away'.
I've hidden her inhaler - that should do the trick

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

[gymaddict69]

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

Everyone says my deodorant smells disgusting and makes them want to vomit. But that just shows how stupid they are. I don't even wear deodorant.

[gymaddict69]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[gymaddict69]

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

A new study shows that women with big breasts are smarter than women with smaller breasts. Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn’t really listening.

[gymaddict69]

I was really disappointed to hear that Taylor Swift is so against streaming. I'd let her piss on me any day.

I won the lottery last night. I have'nt told the wife yet, i can't use my phone on the plane.

[gymaddict69]

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like. That was five years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent.

As a family we couldn't decide if we should have Grandma buried or cremated. So in the end, we let her live.

[gymaddict69]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

My wife said to me, "Do you fancy going away for a little while?"
I said, "Yeah, I'd love to."
"Good" she said. "Because I've just found the DVD of you shagging the cat."

[gooner666]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother.