Jokes

[lorensimon]

HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS :D:D:D

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.


Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!


-Knock knock
*Who's there?
-Mary!
*Mary who?
-Merry Christmas


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Chris!
Chris who?
Christmas!!!!


Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A: A puddle!

Q: Where do reindeer go to dance?
A: Christmas balls!

Q: If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire,what would they name their child?
A: Frostbite!!


Q: What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A: A sad candy cane!


Q: What did Mary Poppins want from Santa?
A: Supercalifragilisticexpialisnowshoes!


Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!


An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor. Who picked it up?

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!



How does Santa sing the alphabet?

A B C D E F G...
H I J K L M N
Oh!, Oh!, Oh!,
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!



It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

---

[StrumSolo]

UNFORTUNATE PUBLISHING LAYOUTS

[lucybisclass]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

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Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged!

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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1 more,,ALL YOU SEXCIST PIGS,,YES YOU SCOTTY,,FANTASTICMR,,FUCK KNOWS WHERE THE FANTASTIC COMES FROM....

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HAPPY NEW YEAR XXX

[StrumSolo]

Are you saying we're jokes for being 'sexcist'? Or wishing us a happy new year?

And Scousers sexy MFs? Even Kandi?

[lucybisclass]

Are you saying we're jokes for being 'sexcist'? Or wishing us a happy new year?

And Scousers sexy MFs? Even Kandi?

NO SCOUSER IS HUMAN EVEN KANDI AND BOTH TO YOUR QUESTION....

[Hilary Briss]

Are you saying we're jokes for being 'sexcist'? Or wishing us a happy new year?

And Scousers sexy MFs? Even Kandi?

NO SCOUSER IS HUMAN EVEN KANDI AND BOTH TO YOUR QUESTION....

I thought you had fucked off ?

[lucybisclass]

Are you saying we're jokes for being 'sexcist'? Or wishing us a happy new year?

And Scousers sexy MFs? Even Kandi?

NO SCOUSER IS HUMAN EVEN KANDI AND BOTH TO YOUR QUESTION....

I thought you had fucked off ?

i thought you was 1 big ugly cunt,,i was right all along...

[StrumSolo]

I thought you had fucked off ?

i thought you was 1 big ugly cunt,,i was right all along...

She's got you there, Briss. Both witty and cutting.

[StrumSolo]

[RussyRover]

A man goes to a dog breeder to buy a guard dog only to be presented with a scruffy terrier mongrel.

"What use is that?" he asks. "I was thinking more along the lines of an Alsatian or a Doberman"

"Everyone goes for those, but this one is a true trained killer. I'll show you" replies the breeder. "Guard Dog? That Chair!"

In a blur of little snappy teeth and yapping the chair is reduced to splinters. "That's Amazing!, can I give it a go?" the man asks. "Go for it" replies the breeder.

"Guard Dog? That box!" shouts the man. In seconds the box is reduced to shreds by the terriers snapping jaws.

The man is hooked, he buys the dog, and rushes home to show his wife. "How do you like our new guard dog, he's a trained killer!"
"What that thing?" she replies. "Guard dog, my arse!"

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Up in heaven, Jesus convened all his disciples and apostles to a meeting to discuss the world's spiralling drug consumption. Following a lengthy debate, they decided that they should try different types of drugs themselves before settling on a course of action to ensure the salvation of mankind. They decided that a select commission should return to earth to obtain various drugs. Two days later the appointed disciples and apostles began to return to heaven.

"Who is it? asked Jesus as the first caller arrived.
"It's Paul." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring, Paul?
"Hashish from Morocco." "Very well Paul. Come in."
The second visitor arrived. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Mark." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring, Mark?
"Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well Mark. Come in."
Soon there was another knock. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Luke." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam. "Very well Luke. Come in."
Shortly there was another knock. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Matthew." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Matthew"
"Cocaine from Colombia." "Very well Matthew. Come in."
Shortly another turned up. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's John." Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York." "Very well John. Come in."
Five minutes later another arrived. "Who is it?" asked Jesus.
"It's Judas" Jesus opened the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"The FBI. OK, you mother fuckers! Everybody against the wall!"

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What Men Say And What They Really Mean:

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard" MEANS "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"I'm going fishing" MEANS "I'm going to drink myself into a stupor, stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in total safety."

"Can I help with dinner?" MEANS "Why isn't it on the table yet?"

"I missed you" MEANS "My socks need washing and we're out of toilet paper."

"I was listening to you - it's just that I have things on my mind" MEANS "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."

"I was thinking about you, and got you these roses" MEANS "I fancied the flower-seller."

"I do help around the house" MEANS "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"You look terrific" MEANS "Please don't try on anymore outfits - I'm starving."

"It's a really good movie" MEANS "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and Angelina Jolie."