Jokes

[RussyRover]

Cinderella was desperate to go to the ball, but it was her time of the month and she didn't have any tampons.
Luckily her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin in Cinderella's garden into tampon.
The Fairy Godmother warned her: "Be sure to be home by midnight or the tampon will turn back into a pumpkin."
Off went Cinderella to the ball. The Fairy Godmother waited patiently for her return but midnight passed and there was no sign of her.
Eventually Cinderella rolled in at four o'clock in the morning.
"What time do you call this?" barked the Fairy Godmother angrily.
"Sorry" Cinderella replied. "but I met this amazing guy and things got really heavy between us. His name was Peter Peter."



I recently made the decision to purchase one of these tampon costumes that are beginning to crop up at fancy dress parties. It was a fantastic decision, now I only ever need one outfit! When people specify 80's, 90's and the like they do sometimes get confused with my choice of attire.

But then again, who are they to judge which period I'm from....



Why We Live as Long as We Do...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[RussyRover]

On a train there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde girl and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady.
After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought—That French bastard wanted to touch me and must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have slapped his face.
The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.
The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the blonde and she slapped me by mistake.
The Englishman thought—I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again....


A mouse and a lion are drinking in a bar when a beautiful female giraffe walks in.
"Wow," says the mouse. "I'd sure fancy some of that!"
"Why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over and begins to smooth talk her. They get on really well and after a short while they leave together.
The following week, the lion's sitting in the bar when the mouse staggers through the door and collapses in the seat next to him.
"Holy cow," says the lion. "You look shattered. What happened to you?"
"It's that giraffe" replies the mouse.
"The giraffe?" says the lion. "But I thought you two really hit it off."
"We did" the mouse replied. "I spent all last week at her house."
"But why do you look such a wreck?" the lion asked.
The mouse replied: "Because in between all the kissing and the sex, I must have run about a thousand miles."



Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.

Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?

That was a great fart! Do another one!

You're so sexy with a hangover.

Let's start subscribing to Penthouse

Just for a change, can we try anal sex tonight?

I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?

Anywhere you like, it's really good for my skin.

I'm wrong, you must be right again....

[lorensimon]

Top 30 euphemisms for stupidity :P

Here are the top 30 euphemisms for "stupidity":

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. A few beers short of a six pack.

4. A few peas short of a casserole.

5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

7. One taco short of a combination plate.

8. A few feathers short of a duck.

9. All foam, no beer.

10. The cheese slid off his cracker.

11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

17. As smart as bait.

18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

21. Her sewing machines out of thread.

22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.

23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

25. Receiver is off the hook.

26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

27. Skylight leaks a little.

28. Slinkys kinked.

29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

30. One board short of a porch.

[RussyRover]

A young guy out on the pull had just ordered a drink at a bar when two girls walked in. Fancying them both, he invited them to sit with him.
He bought them drinks, but when they went to the toilet together, the barman warned him that they were lesbians.
The guy was so convinced that he was irresistible to all woman that he continued to ply them with drinks and besiege them with corny chat-up lines. He was sure he was in with a chance.
Eventually one of the girls, went off to get some cigarettes and while she was gone, she whispered to the guy: "Do you fancy my friend?"
"Not half" he replied
"Would you like to smell her pussy?"
"You bet I would!"
So she breathed on him....



One day during a lesson on English grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" twice in the same sentence.
First she called on Beth who responded with: "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Beth" replied the teacher. Then she asked Simon for his answer, and he said: "The beautiful flowers make the whole garden look beautiful."
"Excellent, Simon" replied the teacher. Then she asked Johnny for his sentence.
Johnny replied: "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad she was pregnant, and he said: Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"



A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain that anyone could possibly experience. The woman said: "Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth."
"Nonsense" said the man, "a kick in the bollocks is much more painful. Ask any guy."
"You're so wrong" maintained the woman. "Childbirth is far more painful."
The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: "I have proof that I am right"
"What proof?" she asked scornfully.
"Because" he continued, "a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, "Do you want to try for another baby?" But I have never, ever, ever heard a man say - even years later - You know what I'd really like? Another kick in the bollocks!"

[lorensimon]

The Drunk


A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be £42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[lorensimon]

Car Breakdown :


There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, "What do you think?"

"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."

[RussyRover]

Twenty Lessons We Have Learned From Watching Porn

1 - Women always wear high heels to bed.

2 - Men are never impotent.

3 - When going down on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory.

4 - If a woman is discovered masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist that he shags her.

5 - Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with their jizz.

6 - Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

7 - Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

8 - Women always achieve orgasm when men do.

9 - A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10 - All women are noisy shags.

11 - In the 1970's people were unable to shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12 - A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

13 - There are Asian women, but no Asian men.

14 - When a man encounters a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend will not knock seven shades of shit out of him if he shoves his penis in his girlfriend's mouth.

15 - There is always a plot.

16 - When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on her arse.

17 - Nurses will suck patients cocks.

18 - When a girlfriend discovers her man getting head from her best friend, she will be momentarily annoyed before shagging both of them.

19 - Women never have headaches.

20 - When a woman is blowing a man's penis it is important for him to remind her to "suck it".

[lorensimon]

25 Things Cat Lovers Know :D

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

[lucybisclass]

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself." "Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?" "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife. "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replies. "And he still believes in genies?"

[iamme]

A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door.
I said "Have I won the Pools?"
"No" he replied "I'm just here to read your gas meter"


You know what really separates the men from the boys?
Operation Yewtree.


What's the difference between roundabouts and Justin Bieber?
I drive around roundabouts.