Jokes

[lorensimon]

Adam & Eve

Adam and Eve were wandering through the Garden of Eden one day when God looked down and said, "Okay, kids, I only have a couple of things left here in my bag of goodies. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?"
To which Eve immediately replied, "I do, God, may I have it?" So God granted her the ability, but Eve saw a look of such utter despair on Adam's face that meant he wanted the ability, that her generous spirit was moved and she said to God, "He may have it if he wants it so much."
So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up. When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, "Well, do you have anything left for me?" And God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, "....All I have left is multiple orgasms."

Greatest baby-sitter

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David , he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Jesus not born ni Mexico

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
Because God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Man with a rabbit

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
Warren.

Printer problems

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tee-pee and wig-wam

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Invisible

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible.
Who said that?

Beautiful brides

If all Brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?


God made me

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

[lorensimon]

Sunday School

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."


My Father

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"


Big Head

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."


The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[lorensimon]

Top 10 signs you may be having a bad day :

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- You wake up face down on the pavement.

- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

- You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

- Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.

- You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.

- Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

_________________________________________________________

Top 30 euphemisms for stupidity

Here are the top 30 euphemisms for "stupidity":

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. A few beers short of a six pack.

4. A few peas short of a casserole.

5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

7. One taco short of a combination plate.

8. A few feathers short of a duck.

9. All foam, no beer.

10. The cheese slid off his cracker.

11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

17. As smart as bait.

18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

21. Her sewing machines out of thread.

22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.

23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

25. Receiver is off the hook.

26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

27. Skylight leaks a little.

28. Slinkys kinked.

29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

30. One board short of a porch.

[RussyRover]

The Protestant Leader Reverend Ian Paisley is about to tell his two granddaughters a bedtime story.
"NOW CHILDREN" He booms. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? A FAIRY TALE, OR A HORROR STORY?"
"Horror, horror, please granddad" squeal the kids.
"RIGHT! ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WERE THESE TWO CATHOLICS. AND NOW THERE'S MILLIONS OF THE BASTARDS!!"



The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how shit happens.



Chinese Memo

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to Staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

[lorensimon]

The Frog


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but considering the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back

across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room

in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

The man is stunned, but he does, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous young woman.

"And that, I swear, is how that woman ended up in my room."

[StrumSolo]

[RussyRover]

Dave goes to see his supervisor in the office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Dave," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Dave, "I knew I could count on you!"


Beer Vs Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer

Having an ice-cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice-cold pussy makes you Margaret Thatcher...
Advantage: Beer

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

Twenty-four beers in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you angry at the person giving you the beer.
Advantage: Pussy

A beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer

If you come home smelling like beer, the Woman may get angry.
If you come smelling like pussy, the Woman will certainly get angry.
Advantage: Beer

Six beers in a night and you better not drive. Six pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor:
Advantage: Draw

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyser. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer

If you grab a beer at work, you get fired. If you try and grab a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

Peeling labels off beer bottles is fun. Peeling panties off pussy is lots more fun:
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Definitely Pussy!

[RussyRover]

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow - When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy - When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot - When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority - When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed - When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude - When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing - When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around - When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick - When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview - When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


Some Engineering Terms

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

CLOSE PROJECT CO-ORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It sometimes works ok, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered whenever.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - It blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing has left.

ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

[RussyRover]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


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Socrates was highly praised in ancient Greece for his great wisdom.
One day a friend ran up to him excitedly and said: "Socrates, guess what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Stop right there" Socrates replied. "Before you tell me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That is correct" Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

His friend pondered, then shook his head. "No" he replied, "actually I just heard about it from someone else."

"All right, so you don't really know if its true or not. Now let's try the second test, the Test of Goodness. Is what you're about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary -"

"So, you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" His friend shrugged, embarrassed.

"You may still pass the third test- the Test of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of any use to me?"

"No, not really"

"Well" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The friend was ashamed and said nothing more.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

[RussyRover]

I'm just in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey and it's getting a bit stressful.

Taking a deep breath, I'm asking myself what would Nigella do?

Right! so a joint and a line of cocaine it is then....

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In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighbourhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; Male and Female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between SKY SPORTS 1 and SKY SPORTS 2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.