Jokes

[RussyRover]

Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick."I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Paddy replies,"I went home for my pyjamas."


My missus is going to the hair salon today.
For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction....


My missus just texted me a photo of her pointing at her fanny with the message "Guess what you're getting tonight.!!"
Fantastic, fish fingers are my favourite meal...

[RussyRover]

I was sitting in the back seat, on the way back from Birmingham when I suddenly needed a piss.
There was no way we were going to be able to stop so I glanced over at my blind auntie who was sitting next to me.
She's not going to notice, I thought. So I found an empty coke can on the floor, flopped my dick out and pissed in that.
It was fine. She didn't notice. Although some of the other coach passengers were a bit upset....


"I'll drink to that!" I shouted to my wife as I downed a pint.
"What are you going on about? I didn't say anything to you." she said
"Can you think of a better reason?" I shouted pouring another pint...


Why do men and women never see eye to eye?
Because women have tits...

[RussyRover]

Pussy is not like weed. If you can smell it from across the room, then it isn't the good shit....


While out golfing with his wife a man slices his drive hard to the right. It lands so that there is a large barn between him and the green. After much contemplation as to how to play the shot his wife suggests that they open the doors on both ends of the barn and then he can shoot straight through the barn. He agrees and takes his shot. He misses the doorway and the ball bounces back hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
Several years later the man is back playing the same course with a friend and makes exactly the same shot. His friend also suggests that he open the barn doors and shoot through.
The man says to his friend, "No, last time I tried that shot I ended up with a double bogey on this hole!”


For our anniversary I took the missus out to a swanky restaurant; no expense spared.
We had champagne, lobster, croquembouche, the works.
Afterwards, over brandies, she smiled seductively and said, "When we get home I'm going to do that special thing for you that you like more than anything else in the world."
"Fuck that," I said. "I couldn't eat spaghetti bolognese after all this."

[RussyRover]

Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, raise my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrel"

[RussyRover]

Apparently people in the UK fall into 7 social classes - Elite, Established middle class, Technical middle class, New affluent workers, Traditional working class, Emergent service workers and precarious proletariat.
They missed out the class that go on Jeremy Kyle and shop at Argos..


I asked the shop assistant why it costs so much to use the air and water machine for my tyre. Apparently it was due to inflation.


So Carlos Tevez got community service for driving whilst disqualified...
That community service will be to wear a balaclava in public..

[RussyRover]

I asked Fernando Torres for his email address the other day.
It's F E R N A N D O underscore T O R R E S @hotmail.com he said.
Fuck me son, that's a hell of a perceptive middle name, I said...


What's the difference between Spurs and Oscar Pistorius?
Spurs won't have Bale for another couple of weeks...


North Korean Football fans have been heard practicing their chants for if they make it to the World Cup:- "We'll Nuke, We'll Score, We'll eat your Labrador - North Korea, North Korea"


The FIA have met to decide if they should cancel the South Korean Grand Prix following the Nuclear tensions between the country and North Korea.
After assessing the multiple serious threats they have decided that to guarantee the drivers safety, Romain Grosjean will not be taking part in the race...

[RussyRover]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.



A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[RussyRover]

A lonely man has been left feeling suicidal after running up a 91 thousand pound phone bill calling a daytime chat line after splitting up with his missus.
He said he felt like climbing up a tall building and tossing himself off....


I've driven into London from every direction and I've still never seen those signs saying 'Welcome to London, Please Drive Like a Cunt'
Seems like I'm the only guy who never sees them...


An old man marries a pretty young thing and takes her to a posh hotel for the honeymoon. All the hotel staff have a bit of a chuckle, imagining the old guy coming to breakfast completely exhausted.
The next morning the couple come down to breakfast, but it's the young wife who looks exhausted and the old guy is chirpy as a teenager.
After two weeks of the same scene, a receptionist can't resist asking:
"You've been exhausted every day of your honeymoon. We all thought your husband would be knackered, but he's fit as a fiddle."
"Yes," says the young bride, "when I married him he said he'd been saving up for this moment for 40 years. I thought the bastard meant fucking money."

[RussyRover]

The missus tossed and turned all last night, complaining she couldn't get to sleep, so I had to go for an easy fix.
I grabbed a nipple with one hand and slid two fingers across her minge with the other and hey presto, ten seconds later ..
Fucking Zonk!


What's the difference between 'affection' and 'adore'?
You can't slam your missus's head in affection...


I woke up this morning with a splitting headache.
As I was unable to find any aspirin or paracetamol, I made a corned beef sandwich...


My missus was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...
And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock...


They are saying on the news that it is dangerous for westerners to travel to North Korea
Great! Perfect time to send Jedward on a special peace keeping mission...

[RussyRover]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"