Jokes

[RussyRover]

We were having dinner last night when my wife started screaming. "My water just broke!"
I said, "Well what do you want me to do?"
"Help, you useless cunt!" she cried in distress.
"Alright, calm down" I said. "Waiter, could you bring a cloth and another water for butterfingers, please?"


I went on a blind date once to a fancy dress party. I went as a penguin, she went as a polar bear.
We didn't hit it off really, turned out we were polar opposites....


I had the toughest moment of my life when WWE and the Serie A highlights were on at the same time.
I had to think: Do I watch blatantly rigged matches where overpaid, long-haired homosexuals with weird names fake being in agony without being touched...
Or do I watch WWE?

[lorensimon]

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
_________________________________________________________

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

____________________________________________________________

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

_____________________________________________________________

The Wedding Anniversary
Top ten things not to say on your anniversary!

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I've got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut you up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

[The Boss]

dVious

[RussyRover]

I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow up doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream. I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.!!!



A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion." Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!", to which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in." Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.
Then along comes a Jamaican, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner." To which the guy responds in a thick accent, "Actually I was invited!". "Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion." The guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"

[RussyRover]

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."


I was at waiting at traffic lights when a business man in a black BMW 7 series pulled up beside me. What I saw next shocked and dumbfounded me.
He was not on his mobile phone and he was using his indicators!!!

[lorensimon]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

________________________________________________________


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

____________________________________________________________

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price betweem male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

[RussyRover]

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"



One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."

[lorensimon]

:D Adult Jokes

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She showed it to her husband.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"



I'm Billy Cock and this is my brother Brian Balls.

Together we are... Billy and Brian !!!


What does kfc and a fat chick have in common?

After you are done with the leg and the thigh you have a greasy box to throw your bone into!

:D

Knock Knock ...

Who's there?

Ivor.

Ivor who?

Ivor good mind not to tell you.


Knock Knock ...

Who's there?

Isidore.

Isidore who?

Isidore unlocked?


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wendy.

Wendy who?

Wendy door is finally opened you will find out.


Laugh on a Wednesday .

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?

Tell her a joke on a Monday!.



Postcard

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

[lorensimon]

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"


A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'


The sadist and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
they are immediately drawn to each other and decide to go to a nearby rather expensive motel.
they undress and re-dress in clothes of their preference
the masochist says in a luxuriating slow purrr...
"Are ....you.. going to whip.. me...?
To which the sadist smiles cruelly and says,
"....Noooo."


A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your fucking cat.”

[Hornydude121]

Congratulations to Chelsea on winning the Europa League.

And a special mention to John Terry who broke the record for fastest time taken to change out of a suit into full kit.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Praying is a lot like masturbation.

It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about

________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Terry's up to get the trophy I see.

That's the quickest he's got his kit on since he heard Wayne Bridge's key in the lock.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________



As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."


"It's nice that she's enjoying it", I thought, "but why is she talking like a telegram?"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________


I called my wife a whore.

I'm sure she'll make me pay for it later.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My mate asked me if I wanted to go into business with him making blunt knives.



I just couldn't see the point