Jokes

[RussyRover]

Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual Harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. £1.53 a minute.
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A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya know something womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station...
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we are ready to go.
So from now on woman, when I say.......
'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
When I say... 'Bell two', jump on de bed.
When I say ' Bell three', we are gonna make love all thru de night girl."
The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!” and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!” and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!” and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".
"WOMON... What the hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.
She replied:
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON; YOU AIN'T NO WHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!"
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A man went out for a night with "the boys" after promising his wife that he would be home by 11pm. Well, the beer went down real easy and the hours passed and before he knew it, it was three am. Drunk as a skunk, he headed home, fearing his wife's wrath. As he got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. The man, who still knew apples from oranges, cuckooed another nine times and tip-toed to bed, real proud of his quick witty solution.
The next morning when his wife asked him what time he'd got in, he told her 12 O'Clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all and said, "Darling, In that case, we need a new cuckoo clock." Why, asked the man," "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit", cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted!

[jabjab25]

dont know if this has been done before but here goes

when different players score a goal i drink a different drink, so when david beckham scores i drink a becks, when paul scholes score i drink a skol, when tommy miller scores i drink a miller thank fuck david seaman was a goalie

[Clitterbug]

OOOH Russy, rampant girls are a mere £1.02 a min, lol! and if you think with your dick as most men do, £1.02 is cheaper than buying them drinks all nite then being fuckedoff! lol!

[RussyRover]

Frank Lampard has signed a deal to write children's books loosely based on friends and teammates.
"One day John went round to Wayne's house...."
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Well I had a grand total of 8 cards this Valentines day.
The refs on this Fifa 13 are right cunts!
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I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.
It's the thought that cunts....
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Just a few hours after Pope Benedict announced his retirement, Peter Odemwingie was spotted driving towards the Vatican...

[RussyRover]

There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well." The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much. After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice, but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9- ½ E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[da1nonly_42]

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

[RussyRover]

If 666 is evil,
Then 25.8070 is the root of all evil...
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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A man is condemned to hell after living a bad life on Earth, when he enters Hell, he is greeted by the devil.
The devil tells him that he must pick one of the three rooms to live out the rest of eternity, to which the man agrees.
The devil shows him the first room of a man tied up, being whipped. The man decides to have a look at the other 2 rooms.
In the second room there is a man also tied up, but this time being burnt by a flaming torch. The man decides to have a look at the final room.
In it is a beautiful blonde woman giving a blowjob to a really fat man tied up.
The man says "I want to spend eternity in room number 3", thinking that it is the best out of the 3
To which the devil replies "As you wish"
He then taps the woman on the shoulder and says "You can go now"

[da1nonly_42]

I got talking to a girl at the bar.

"So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"

I replied, "I often mislead people."

"Really?" she asked.

I said, "No."

[da1nonly_42]

My hand brushed against a work colleague's arse today.

"I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment, you fucking pervert!" she yelled.

I said, "Calm down, love. It was an accident."

"Fuck off," she replied. "Just get out of the ladies toilets."

[RussyRover]

You know how that at Starbucks they scribble your name down on the cup so the staff member at the other end can call it out?
Well my mate Clint doesn't go there any more!!....
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I believe that I am a pussy magnet.
Because I always seem to be surrounded by cunts...
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There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly.
Well Woman #1 stepped on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and he handcuffed him to her for eternity.
Woman #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen.
Woman #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two. Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled " Well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck" He said to her "I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks."