Jokes

[RussyRover]

"A quiet man is a thinking man".....
....a quiet woman is usually pissed off...
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In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand....
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My missus was complaining about chapped lips earlier.
So being the gentleman that I am, I went and fetched her Vaseline and smeared it on my cock..
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I was in the bedroom with the missus earlier.
"How about that?" I said, "That doing it for you?"
"Hmmm, no," she said.
"How about here?"
"No, not really," was the reply.
"Ok, what about here?"
"No, not there either."
"For fucks sake!" I said, "Will you decide where you want this fucking picture, it's heavy!"

[RussyRover]

My mate is so tight he is going to scrape off the word DROG off his last seasons Chelsea shirt, and wear it again this season...
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A man in the pub asked me if I wanted to help him coach a football team.
I said, "Sorry, I don't know anything about football."
"It's OK, neither do I," he laughed, "plus the money is good."
"OK, sign me up," I replied. "What's your name again?"
"Alan Pardew."
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Every time Man Utd play all you can hear is "Who are ya, who are ya!" directed at Wayne Rooney.
Van Persie needs to calm his goal celebrations down...
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Apparently there was a show on TV where a bunch of over-paid celebrities try their hand at diving.
I'm not talking about Tom Daley's 'Splash', it's called 'Match of the Day'.

[RussyRover]

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'
'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
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A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[RussyRover]

I've just joined a site after seeing a pop up saying 'Meet Lots Of Women In Your Area For Sex Tonight'
The next stage of the application said 'Please Choose: 18-25, 26-33, 34-42, 43-49, Over 50'
I've gone for 43-49 women, over 50 is just being greedy...
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I was at work in my sports shop today when a bloke approached the counter with a tennis racket.
"Excuse me, I like this racket and would like to buy it, but I was wondering if you could add some more tension?" he asked.
"No problem" I replied. "I'm pretty sure I shagged your wife a few years ago, and your son looks an awful lot like me."
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"Babe, we really need to talk." said my girlfriend
"About what?" I asked
"Our future." she replied
"Finally...", I thought to myself "I've been wanting to talk to her about lightsabres and warp drive technology for 2 fucking years, now, I won't look stupid."

[RussyRover]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
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Lindsay Lohan says she's afraid of bees.
She should probably worry more about o's and d's ...
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I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Fiji was the correct answer!
Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a fucking country....

[RussyRover]

If money can't buy you happiness,
Then you obviously don't know you can buy blowjobs...
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Did you know, that if you put a sea shell next to your ear, and listen very carefully....
..............You really are a gullible bastard.
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I was mortified when I found a lump today.
My missus really puts no care into her mash at all...
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My mate watched The Ring video and, 7 days later, he died.
Our local video renting shop doesn't fuck about with their late fees....

[RussyRover]

I'm really looking forward to this evening. I have a beautiful date lined up and we are going to hire a movie and cosy up to watch it later.
And by a "beautiful date", I mean by myself, and by "a movie" I mean a porno, and by "hire", I mean illegally download, and by "later" I mean I am already watching it...
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As I sat there focused, carefully selecting the tattoo I wanted, my missus said
For fuck sake, we've been sitting here for an hour now, just pick one"
"It's a big decision when choosing a tattoo, you can't just pick anything"
" It isn't when they came free inside a packet of gum you silly cunt" she replied....
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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall.
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

[lorensimon]

very nice Russy mate !!!

[RussyRover]

Horse Meat in burgers? Frankel-y I'm disgusted...
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If anyone offers me a Tesco's brand burger now, I'd have to say neigh....
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Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!!!
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I was shocked to read that horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers.
They have meat in them?
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A burger walks into a bar and says "Pint please"
The barman says "I can't hear you, what was that?"
The burger says "sorry, Im a little bit horse today..."


Neigh more for now. that'll do lol....

[Bob2306]

A true(ish) story...

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?