Jokes

[Bickers32]

Patient admitted to hospital after eating Tesco burger, said it gave him the Trots. Hospital spokesman said he was now in a stable condition.

[RussyRover]

'Laura Robson victorious after three hour struggle'
I really need to be more decisive when picking masturbation material....
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The first rule of Tesco beefburger club.
There are no beefburgers...
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The government are basically bisexual
They fuck everybody...
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday.
He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

[RussyRover]

Transporting children to and from school in hazardous weather conditions? Drive Caerphilly... (local joke that one lol)
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This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the road clear to get my car out of the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.
At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.
"Bloody hell, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.
"Well" I said, "My missus made me come in."
"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"
"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."
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Things you will never hear men say:
* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* Better get rid of these old nudey magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.

[RussyRover]

Paddy, Niall and Liam are riding home from the pub on Paddy's motorbike when they're stopped by a traffic cop.
"This motorcycle is only licenced to carry two people," says the cop. "There's three of you, so someone'll have to get off and walk."
"Three of us?" says Paddy, turning to Liam. "What the feck happened to Mick and Rory?"
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Tips on how to masturbate;

If you're female

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little oil on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're male
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.

[RussyRover]

Just saw that advert where Holly Willoughby says that whitening toothpaste is part of her daily beauty routine.
Bless her. She genuinely believes people are looking at her face...
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PornHub, I'm sitting in the dark with my pants around my ankles, jizz in my palm and sweat all over my chest...
Does it look like I'm here to play poker!!!!
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What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank?
Your ears....
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Looks like Fernando Torres has finally found his level.
League 1 ....
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There was a glamour tie in the FA cup this weekend, when Macclesfield played host to Wigan
"These games don't come along that often, and it's a pleasure to play such a big club with many great fans"
The Wigan captain was heard saying...

[RussyRover]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest,Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby plant.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
All at once, eleven bells began to ring...
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John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[RussyRover]

I recently saw a news article saying scientists have concluded every sentence you can possibly think of has already been said by somebody else.
I feel really sorry for whoever said "Help, I'm having my period in the shark tank!"
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
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A woman comes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

[da1nonly_42]

As a plumber with a moustache I get sick of hearing the same joke.

"Ohh you're like Super Mario!" this old lady giggled when I arrived at her house.

So I stole all her coins and jumped on her cat's head.

[RussyRover]

Porn gives people an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house....
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My missus said "You never pay me any compliments anymore"
"Well your beard is much nicer than mine " I replied...
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Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if it's the same in Sainsburys so be careful...
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"I've been cheating on you," I said to my missus.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me right," I insisted. "Last night I had anal with a prostitute, then she gave me a blowjob."
"Why would you do that?!" she screamed.
I said, "No idea, in hindsight she should probably have given the blowjob first."

[RussyRover]

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
The shopkeeper fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - £10,000! What does it do?"
Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."