Jokes

[RussyRover]

Gangnam Style is the most viewed video.
Well I've looked all over Porn Hub and can't find it anywhere...
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A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!"
The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!"
The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!"
Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"
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The Lone Ranger is riding through the mountains when Indians attack him from all sides. They pull him from his horse and bury him in the sand up to his neck, ready to kill him. Knowing he's about to kick the bucket, he calls his horse Silver over and whispers in his ear. Silver gallops off and returns a few minutes later with a hot naked blonde girl on his back. She hops from the saddle and sits on on the Lone Rangers face, sighing and moaning as she writhes around.
When she's finished the Indians move in for the kill.
"Stop! I just want a quick word with my horse."
They agree and Silver trots over to him to hear his final words.
"Silver" I said POSSEE, you useless twat."

[RussyRover]

A man walks into a bar...
Sir Alex Ferguson says he could have died!
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The missus looked at me and said, "After 22 years, have you any idea what love and commitment is?"
"Yes darling, you know I keep going down to Anfield with my season ticket."
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Definition of a bastard: A guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four inch dick, then kisses her goodbye in the morning with a six inch tongue...
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It's my girlfriend's birthday next week so I asked her what she wanted.
"Something I can drive would be nice." she smiled.
Right, a golf ball it is then...

[da1nonly_42]

My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

[RussyRover]

As I was leaving the house this morning for a day out with lads drinking, my wife shouted, "Be safe."
So I checked my pocket to make sure I had a condom...
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I can't decide whether, I'm an ugly cunt or ...
I'm just that unlucky that every girl I hit on has Tourettes..
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I got an Amazon voucher for Christmas.
I've ordered two piranha fish and a pygmy...
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I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...

[RussyRover]

After 20 years of shopping, my missus still has nothing to wear...
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I was lying in the bath when my missus burst in naked and joined me.
Well I suppose that's ticked swimming with Walruses off my bucket list...
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My missus crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory...
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Came home from work this morning to find the missus singing away in the kitchen.
"You ought to consider taking singing up, love." I told her.
"Do you really think so?" She beamed.
"Certainly." I said.


"Up the fucking stairs, out of earshot."
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I went to the cinema with my girlfriend last night.
I approached the guy at the front desk, and said "Two tickets please".
The guy asked "For The Hobbit?"
I replied "Actually, she's my girlfriend"

[RussyRover]

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...
"The boy could have drowned!"
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I went to the bank to ask for a loan. The Banker said "Tell me your annual income, grossly?"
So I said "About £20,000, you cunt."
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Some bloke down the street upset my son, saying we were a bunch of cowards,so I stomped over to his, banged on the door and shouted,
"Fucking bastard! Answer the door you cunt!"
The door opened, and a 7ft tall man built like a wrestler said, "Yes?"
"Sorry" I whimpered, "Could you please donate to the Help Tourette's foundation...''
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I have a special trick I do with my tongue when I want to have sex with the missus.
I use it to lie when I tell her that I love her.

[RussyRover]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; tell others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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Can you imagine a world with no sex?
A world where you have to do everything for yourself?
Where everything you say results in tears and arguing?
And in that world you had to pretend to be delighted?

Well that world exists.

Just get your wife pregnant.

[RussyRover]

Ladies, check out this really cool trick that will make you very popular with the guys.
Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that...
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My New Years resolution is no more shagging fat birds.
I thought to myself as I rolled off the missus...
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2010, 2011 and 2012 are in a pub drinking the night away.
2010: "My time was filled with terrorism and poverty."
2011: "Same here. Not everyone was happy in mine. People died."
2012: "Nothing changed. Mine was equally terrible."
At this point, 2013 walked into the pub, strutting majestically. "Don't you worry. Everyone is going to be happy in my time and all suffering shall end."
They all look at him and laugh, "Hmm.. you must be new here."

[RussyRover]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
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As I staggered into the house last night, my missus said, "If you ever come home early from the pub, I'll die of shock."
"Stop trying to fucking bribe me", I slurred...
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It's funny, my wife stands up to piss and I sit down.
She's a Thai bride, I'm a lazy cunt...
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What's 9 inches long and makes my wife moan?
Our driveway that I haven't finished...

[RussyRover]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."