Jokes

[RussyRover]

This Christmas shopping is a load of crap.
I went to boots....and they don't sell boots....
I went to selfridges and they don't sell fridges....
Went to currys.....guess what not a curry in site!
So I tried the virgin megastore and what a fucking disappointment that was..
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Why is Santa Claus always smiling?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live...
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A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa put his finger on the boys nose and tapping out the letters said:
"I bet your name is T-i-m-m-y."
The little boy's eyes lit up. Then Santa put his finger on the boy's nose again and said:
"I bet you want a b-i-k-e."
"How did you know that?" asked the boy.
"Because i'm Santa, and of course I know everything."
The little boy thought for a moment and said:
"I bet you like g-i-r-l-s."
"Well yes," replied Santa. "How did you know that?"
The boy replied, "Because your finger smells like p-u-s-s-y!"

[RussyRover]

Since the world ends on 21st December, I hope I'm sitting next to Sir Alex Ferguson as he will get at least 5 minutes extra time...
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5 days until it's finally over, 5 days until everything in my life falls apart, 5 days...so i'd better make the most of it.
5 days until my wife comes home from her business trip...
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Someone broke into my house last night and took my collection of german fruit loafs.
I've reported them stollen...
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I think everybody should stop the jokes about Arsenal going out on penalties.
They can't take them.!.

[RussyRover]

I phoned my boss this morning.
"I won't be in today. I'm shitting through the eye of a needle."
"OK," he laughed, "Sounds like you've got that norovirus."
"No," I replied, "I'm just bored and curious."
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Santa was putting presents under the tree when he heard a voice say "Santa I have been waiting for you all night."
He turned and saw a beautiful woman in a red nighty. Santa said "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go, got lots more presents to deliver you know."
The woman dropped the nighty to the floor and said "Santa please stay..."
Santa said "hey hey hey, gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
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A busty, sweet lady came and sat beside me on the bus home, with her offering gesture, I said "Go on then, would you mind popping one out for me to suck?"
She willingly obliged, and I added "Num, num, num..."
I do enjoy a Werthers original."

[RussyRover]

A bloke in the pub shouts in a drunken rage, "All lawyers are cunts!!"
I got up and screamed "Hey! You take that back! I take offence to that!"
The bloke slurs, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No. I'm a cunt." I replied punching him in the face...
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I took my missus to see Santa yesterday.
"What are we doing this for?" she complained. "I'm not a kid."
"I know", I said. "I just wanted to show you what you're going to look like soon if you don't go on a diet and get some fucking Veet."
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I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my missus calls her a whore...
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We celebrate Christmas early in our household.
We have to, I'm usually shitfaced by noon..

[Nav852]

Some really bad ones, but I'll give it a go!

Found a note stuck on my door from my saucy blonde neighbour earlier, saying "I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid", but she can piss off.
Nobody calls me names then asks for a favour.

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Wife: Honey can you help me with the garden?
Husband: Do I look like a Gardener?
Wife: Honey the toilet is broken ..
Husband: Do I look like a Plumber.
(Later the husband went out for lunch, and when he came back everything was fixed)
Husband: Did you fix this?
Wife: No the neighbours son did
Husband: Oh.. Okay
Wife: He said I had to make him a burger or sleep with him ..
Husband: You made him a burger right?
Wife: Do I look like Burger King?

[da1nonly_42]

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: £10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

[Hilary Briss]

fMR.

[RussyRover]

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."
"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"
"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."
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What do you call a lesbian orgy at kfc?
A boneless banquet!
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To all women who said to me "I wouldn't sleep with you if it was the end of the world"...
Not long left to change your mind...
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I took some blonde bird home last night.
As she was sucking my cock I looked down and said, "I want you to swallow it."
"And how do you expect me to do that?" she said, "It's attached."

[RussyRover]

Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman?

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its baubles.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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Christmas
The only time my missus enjoys giving and receiving...
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A hobo with a cat and an emu calls into a pub after a long dusty walk and asks the bar tender to set up three beers for himself, the cat and the emu and pays for them.
They drink the beer and the emu orders three more and pays. The cat doesn't buy a round so the hobo orders three more beers and pays. The cat still doesn't buy.
After this goes on for a while the bar tender asks the hobo why the cat wont buy a round.
"Well", said the hobo, "down the road a bit I helped an old lady chop some wood for her fire. She turned out to be a fairy and because of my thoughtfulness said she would grant me a wish. I thought for a while and wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

[da1nonly_42]

Just had a row with my elderly neighbour - miserable old sod. He shouted abuse - then slammed the door in my face.

I've got my own back though - I've just been to the local shop and bought 30 newspapers and 30 pint bottles of milk. I've left them all on his doorstep, and now I'll sit back and wait for the Police and Social services to kick his front door in.

Genius.