Jokes

[RussyRover]

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway yesterday.
"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes officer?"
He said, "You're talking on your mobile."
I said, "I know, I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."
"There is no traffic." he replied.
What a cunt, I was winking at him as well.
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I went into a T-shirt printing shop and said, "I want a purple t shirt with 'JUSTIN BIEBER IS A CUNT' in bright green letters".
The cashier said, "I'm sorry but I can't do that".
I said, "Why not?".
She said, "We're out of green .... I can do blue if you like?"
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The wife was gobbing off again last night, so I escaped out to the garage. "You love that fucking car more than me, you bastard!" she yelled after me. Too right, I thought. It's got a silencer...
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What's the difference between a Chelsea manager and Frankie Valli.
Frankie Valli had 4 seasons.

[RussyRover]

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, shaggable girl walked up to me. She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.
Then I realised I'm a straw....
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Me and my mate went up to this slutty blonde girl in a club and I said to her, "I hope you are ready for double penetration."
She said, "Why, have you got 2 penises?"
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[RussyRover]

Why is it that I can't get a fuckin phone reception yet terrorists can upload videos from caves deep inside Afghanistan?
Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on???
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It's said that in relationships, the man should put the woman above himself. So I just had the kitchen moved to the 2nd floor..
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So Beckham is in talks with Monaco.....guess what his next child is going to be called.
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I phoned up my local newspaper today to place a lonely heart ad.
When the guy answered he said, "What would you like me to print as your ad?"
I said, "Short, chubby guy seeks tall, blonde, large breasted females strictly for sex. No strings attached."
"I doubt that you're going to get many replies from that," the guy laughed.
"You're right," I replied. "You better add brunettes to it as well."

[UubbaGuubba]

4 nuns die in a car accident and go of to heaven where they are met by St Peter. He says that they must be pure before they can enter
He turns to the first and asks if she has ever had contact with a penis? She says that she once touched a tip with her finger, he says dip your finger in the holy water and enter, which she does
He turns to the next nun and asks the same question, she says that she gave a hand job when in school, St Peter says rinse your hand in the holy water and enter which she does
Turning to the 3rd nun he asks the question but before she can answer the last nun pushes her out of the way and says "whoa, whoa there's no way I'm gargling with that holy water after she's rinsed her arse in it....."

[RussyRover]

Finally after all these years I can see the light at the end of my debt problems.
My missus left me this morning...
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How does a bulimic orgy end?
With a pukkake...
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"Of course I want kids," I said to my missus, "I love them."
"Are you absolutely sure, Herod?"
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A blonde walks into a chemist and asks for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist explains to the woman that they don't sell it.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this chemist on a regular basis for years and would like some more.
"Do you have the container it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde and she hands it to him.
He looks at it and says, "this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[RussyRover]

Two bears were watching some football before hitting the pillow for their annual hibernation.
As one had his final big yawn and rolled onto his side he said "YAAAWWWWNNNN, wake me up when Torres scores"
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Freddie Flintoff isn't the first person to do a sport he's not used to...
For instance Fernando Torres has been having a go at football...
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I was playing football for my local pub team this morning, when an opposition player started rolling around on the floor holding his cock.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Your fucking studs." he replied.
I said, "I know we are, but can you stop being gay and get on with the game?"

[Clitterbug]

Torres's goals are like waitin for a bus, you wait all day for one, then.

[RussyRover]

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.
As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.
That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three fuck off?"
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For once in my life,
I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my cock...
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I used to make my missus come 2 or 3 times a day when we first got married.
But now she just ignores me and I have to get my own beer...
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How many porn stars does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll take 20 minutes to screw it from 8 different positions before he finishes.

[RussyRover]

"I love you loads, honeypie." My missus said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
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I like my women like I like my coffee.
Hot and silent.
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Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your missus walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
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A man tells his girlfriend at the last minute that he can't meet her that night and she texts all her friends saying, "He's such a bastard, he's just blown me out at short notice, I think he's seeing someone else."
A woman tells her boyfriend at the last minute that she can't see him that night and he texts all his friends saying "Pub?"

[RussyRover]

BREAKING NEWS! Carlos Tevez has signed a new lucrative contract with the promise of champions league football!
Carlos loves his new Sky+ package...
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What have Kate Middleton and Man City fans got in common?
Both feeling pretty sick right now....
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I was in a nightclub last night when some fat bird came up to me and tripped over.
"Oh, while you're down there," I said as she made her way up.
"You cheeky fucker," she laughed with a wink.
"No seriously fatty, do my shoelace up I have a bad back and can't bend."