Jokes

[RussyRover]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"That's fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.
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A British company is developing computer chips that can store music in women's breast implants.
A company spokesperson declares this a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.
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In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.
In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

[UubbaGuubba]

"Who are we?"
"Women!"
"What do we want?"
"We don't know!"
"When do we want it?"
"Now!"
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David Cameron; "I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years"
Two years, David, two years
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I walked up to a girl in a bar and said "you look like somebody with a boring sex life. I intent to get you drunk, take you home and fuck your tits, mouth, pussy and ass and throw my fuck muck all over your face"
She said "my boyfriend is right behind you!"
I replied "good, I'm glad to have his support!"

[RussyRover]

Have you noticed that during international football matches, the on screen graphics shows three letters to show which country is playing which, such as 'ENG 3-0 FRA'
I can't wait for Nigeria to play Germany...
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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For me golf is a lot like women; If she isn't holding my wood, she should be holding an iron...

[RussyRover]

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms. ..
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Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.
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Anal sex:
It's not for pussies. ..
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There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
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On the eve of our anniversary my missus and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I awoke first, so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

[RussyRover]

Kleenex man size: Because cum is thicker than snot.
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Me and my missus had a 34.5 earlier.
It was meant to be a 69 but I couldn't be bothered doing her.
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I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.
I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.
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My missus was wearing a short nightie this morning as she was cooking breakfast. She went down on all fours to get the cooking oil from under the sink and got her hair caught in the pipes.
Never one to miss an opportunity, I fucked off down the pub. ..

[da1nonly_42]

"Children in Need" is on the BBC today.
Given the current situation, I don't think the BBC are the best judges of what children need.

[benboe]

A man sees a wishing well and just before throwing in a coin shouts into the well
"I want my cock to be long enough to reach the floor"
he throws in a coin and with a flash ...... his legs fell off :p

[RussyRover]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Jones?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That's bullshit - my dog doesn't have a bike!"
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I am just trying to make an anagram of MANCHESTER UNITED.
So far I have 'MEAN RED SHITE' with only U, T, N and C left....
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What is the difference between Samir Nasri and soup?
Soup is a starter. ..
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Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.
Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"

[LA Maestro]

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

[RussyRover]

I recently got asked, "Have you ever felt something for a girl, besides the sex."
I said, "Yes, her bum."
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Hindsight is a great thing.
I love looking at girls' arses. ..
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You know you need help when your missus says to you she needs an ATM and the first thing that pops into your head isn't a cash machine. ..
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My missus was standing in front of the mirror looking at her tits.
"What do you think, big enough?"
"Yeah, they're massive," I replied.
"They're not that big!" she laughed.
"They are," I replied. "They're the biggest arse cheeks I've ever seen."