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Jokes

19/11/2012, 03:42
Post: #91
RE: Jokes
Interesting Human Body Facts

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

[Image: xaz9.jpg] I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know.... Make it so.....
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19/11/2012, 19:06
Post: #92
RE: Jokes
If you like texting, then how about some "ARSEICONS?"

(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb Arse
_____________________________
The Teacher said to little Johnny, "use harassment in a sentence."
Little Johnny said, " Her mouth said no, but her ass meant yes."

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22/11/2012, 03:54 (This post was last modified: 22/11/2012, 03:54 by RussyRover.)
Post: #93
RE: Jokes
It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
____________________________________
I reckon that this latest Twilight movie was the absolute best out of all of them!
Know why? because it's the last fucking one
____________________________________
I've been thinking about getting some short term work over the Christmas period.
So I decided to apply for the Chelsea job ...
____________________________________
Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".
Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob".
Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".
Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Man City but I'm too embarrassed to say".

[Image: xaz9.jpg] I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know.... Make it so.....
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22/11/2012, 04:13
Post: #94
RE: Jokes
(22/11/2012, 03:54)RussyRover Wrote:  It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

Ha I like that one.



The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope will never be repeated. The other is about a president
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23/11/2012, 03:23
Post: #95
RE: Jokes
How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?
They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them..
________________________________________
What does Roberto Di Matteo and a Ladyboy have in common?
Two cups and the sack. .
________________________________________
A bloke goes into the travel agents and asks for advice on the best place to go on holiday.
The travel agent says: "It depends on which football team you support."
"Man United," says the bloke.
The travel agent says: "In that case you cannot beat the canaries at this time of year!!"

[Image: xaz9.jpg] I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know.... Make it so.....
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25/11/2012, 02:22
Post: #96
RE: Jokes
J R Ewing dead, I'm not falling for that one again...
_______________________________
Necrophilia.
The only porn with a real plot...
_______________________________
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen...

[Image: xaz9.jpg] I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know.... Make it so.....
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25/11/2012, 13:29
Post: #97
RE: Jokes
How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.
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26/11/2012, 13:58
Post: #98
RE: Jokes
As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me.After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop.He grabbed me by my collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket."So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate.""Then why the fuck did you run?" he asked."Because I thought you could do with the exercise."
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27/11/2012, 19:44
Post: #99
RE: Jokes
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
________________________________
I was telling my mate about an American girl I'd slept with.
"Which state?", he asked.
"Oh, she was unconscious."
________________________________
Just bought some extra strong mints.
Can't get the fuckers out of the packet...

[Image: xaz9.jpg] I'd be delighted to offer any advice I have on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know.... Make it so.....
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28/11/2012, 11:27
Post: #100
RE: Jokes
"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night.
"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.
"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.
"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."
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