Jokes

[RussyRover]

My girlfriend dumped me because she says I'm too specific.
She broke the news to me yesterday at 3.21 pm whilst I was eating a tuna and mayo sandwich in my kitchen, which by the way has red tiles.
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I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. Before long the monkey is going crazy. It's doing flips on the bar, it grabs some napkins and eats them, grabs some olives and eats them, it jumps over to the pool table grabs a pool ball and eats that.
Now the bartender is pissed and yells at the guy. "What the hell Mister your monkey is crazy!!" The guy apologizes and says, "Yeah I know, I'm real sorry. But don't worry I'll pay for everything." So he pays for his beer, the napkins, and the olives, he even pays for the pool ball and then he leaves.
About a week goes by and the same guy comes back to the bar with his monkey. He sits down and orders his beer and the monkey flips out again. This time he grabs a cherry, sticks it in his ass and then eats it. The bartender says, "What the fuck, your monkey is crazier than ever!!" The guy says "Yeah I know but after the pool ball now he checks for size first."

[Bob2306]

Reading the previous joke about the monkey reminded me of this. Probably seen it before as it's been around for some time, but just in case somebody has missed it.

[RussyRover]

Bill was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Bill decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bill soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Bill. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Bill thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Bill finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Bill, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[da1nonly_42]

"What the hell is going on here?" I said to my son as I walked into his bedroom, "Look at the fucking state of it!"
"She's not that bad, dad."

[RussyRover]

The creation of the pussy;

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
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Four buddies were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' And she said, "Take a sweater..."

[RussyRover]

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.
"Come on, you stupid cunt!" I shouted. "Get a fucking move on!"
She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.
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My boss said, "Why are all the women in your office crying?"
I said, "You told me to bang some heads together."
He said, "Talk about taking things too literally!"
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
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I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.
I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.

[benboe]

Billy arriving home from school runs into the kitchen to see his dad reading the daily paper. "Dad ...Dad" shouts Billy excitedly " Dad ... I got my first blow job today" His father sits stunned for a moment taking in what he just heard. Then with mixed feelings of shock at what he just heard and pride that is little boy is becoming a man replies "How was it son?" Imagine the look on his fathers face when young Billy says "It tasted funny" :~0

[RussyRover]

A waitress comse over to take a man's order. "I want a quickie" he says.
Appalled by this she slaps him across the face. Regaining her composure she asks him again. "Now what would you like?"
"I want a quickie" he says again. Once again she slaps him across the face.
She decided to give him one last chance, "For the last time, what would you like?"
"I want a quickie" he again replies. She slaps him again and goes to get the manager.
A chap at the next table leans over and says to the man " I think you'll find its pronounced quiche mate."
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site and when lunch time comes around they sit down next to each other.
Paddy pulls out a flask and Murphy immediately asks "woah Paddy, what's that?" to which Paddy replies "It's a flask, it keeps your hot things hot and your cold things cold."
"I gotta get me one of them" says Murphy.
So the next day, Paddy & Murphy sit down next to each other at lunch time.
Paddy - "Ah Murphy I see you bought yourself one of them flasks."
Murphy - "Oh too right, I got me one last night Paddy."
Paddy - "So what have you got it in then?"
Murphy - "2 cups of coffee and a choc ice."

[RussyRover]

Talking to my neighbour yesterday, he reckons he loves to be woken up by sex.
So as a treat, me and the missus screamed the place down and banged on his wall at 3 o'clock this morning.
I've seen the miserable cunt 5 times today and he still hasn't thanked me. ..
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My missus snapped at a party when she raged at me, "I'm sick of you putting me down in front of others, always making me look stupid. Pissed off is not the word."
I said, "Can I just stop you there?"
"What?" she snarled.
I said, "Pissed off is actually two words."
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Was out shopping with the missus earlier and went into a cafe for a quick brew at the end.
There was a special promotion on for 'movember', where anyone sporting a moustache was entitled to a free coffee.
Jammy bitch...

[pornstore]

One of my favourite internet pastimes is looking up Adele jokes. It's funny because she's incredibly rich and talented

- Adele says she's been hurt by fat jokes about her and is going through a lot of pain. Yeah, probably Pain au Chocolat.
- You know you're fat when no one has even mentioned you're ginger.
- If I have 5 pies in one hand and and six pies in the other hand what have I got? Two more trips to Adele's table in my restaurant to complete her order.
- Adele's arse cheek brushed against my face earlier while she played a concert in London.

Which was strange because I was in Wigan at the time.

BADOOOM TSCH