Jokes

[UubbaGuubba]

Two Arabs are sitting in a cafe drinking coffee when one takes out his wallet and starts flicking through some snapshots

He points to a picture and says "this is my eldest, me's a martyr", he flicks to another picture and says "this is my youngest, he's a martyr too"

After a pause the other Arab sighs and ays "they blow up so fast don't they"

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The government have decided to change their emblem to a condom because it more accurately reflects their policies; it allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects pricks and gives people a sense of security when they're actually getting fucked

[RussyRover]

I'm not saying my missus is ugly, but I always sit on my hand first before fingering her, just so it feels like someone else is doing it...
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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted...
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Blind people often have better hearing. For example a referee won't notice an offside, but he will book you if you call him a cunt...

[Clitterbug]

Theres a dwarf works down the chipshop swears hes elvish!

[RussyRover]

A farmer has a rooster that goes around screwing all the animals in the barnyard. The rooster keeps this up for quite a while before the farmer finally pulls him aside and warns him. “Look,” the farmer says, ”you had better take it a little easier or you’re liable to screw yourself to death.” The rooster just laughs at the farmer and goes out and has all the chickens in the chicken coop. He then goes through all the cows, then the pigs, and so on, until he as been with all the animals on the farm. He keeps this up every day for weeks. Then one day the farmer doesn’t see the rooster around the barnyard, so he goes looking for him. Out above one of his fields, the farmer sees some vultures circling around and around. The farmer runs out and sees the rooster lying spread-eagle on the ground. “I knew it!” says the farmer. “I knew this would happen to you! Oh, why didn’t you listen to me when I warned you?” The rooster opens one eye, point upward, and says, “Shhh. They're getting lower.”
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A rather large, menacing guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer, chugs it back, points to the left and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"
A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer, points to the right and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar.

[RussyRover]

After reading 50 Shades of Grey my missus asked me to tie her tightly to the bed.
"So Now what?" I asked
"Hurt me!", she replied
"Ok. You have saggy tits and cankles."
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"A colleague of mine saw you kissing another woman last night!" screamed my missus, "Come on, who was it?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to guess that?" I said, "You work with over 100 people."
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A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a saloon. She says, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" He replies, "Well, Maam, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range...think about cows a lot of the time...yep...I guess I'm a REAL cowboy."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time...I think about making love with women."
They sat there sipping their beers. Then, a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, "Are you a REAL cowboy?" The cowboy responded, "Well, I THOUGHT I was...but I just found out that I'm really a lesbian."

[RussyRover]

A farmer was sitting in the local bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so terrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain."

[Clitterbug]

If necrophilia is fucking dead bad!......is incest mother fuckin good?......If all the wankers in this government got together at westminster, they could all have a massdebate!

[RussyRover]

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green,when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops mid-swing ,takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow,that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen...you truly are a kind man."
The man replies: "Yeah,well,we were married 35 years."
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A pilot addresses his passengers but forgets to turn off the intercom. They hear him say to his co-pilot:
"I'm going to have a shit, then shag the arse off that new air hostess."
At hearing this, the air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, but she trips and falls over.
"No need to hurry love" says a old lady. "He's having a shit first."

[Clitterbug]

russy the golf 1 mate, ive got a mate whos golf mad, that joke cud have been written 4 him, lol

[RussyRover]

My wife asked me to put the chips in the oven at gas mark 7 for 18 minutes, but I got it completely wrong.
Being the silly billy that I am, I continued watching the TV and told her to go fuck herself.
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I met a girl with no arms and no legs the other week. She thought I was lovely.
In fact, she couldn't resist me.
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I've just killed three midget zombies outside my house, they're everywhere tonight!
They seem to go down easy enough though, just arm yourself with a hammer.
Stay safe people.
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My neighbour reckons he won't get bothered by Trick or Treaters.
He's painted "Jimmy Savile Home for Young People" on his front door