Jokes

[RussyRover]

I apologoise for the length of this joke and if you've heard it before, but I find it so effing funny, I must share it...

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[raylovschicks]

As a kid, I used to torture ants with a magnifying glass and the sun. I'd make them read it...

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I saw a woman trying to park her car in the Tesco car park today. After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?" "No thanks," she replied. "Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping 45 minutes later.

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Newcastle United are reported to have struck an £8m shirt sponsorship deal with Wonga. However, they will have to pay back £20m a month later.

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My wife just said "I'm leaving you because you never give me any space." "Ok", I replied. "I'll come with you."

[RussyRover]

Harry Redknapp believes that Wales's winger Gareth Bale is in the same class as Cristiano Ronaldo...
I never knew there was a "diving cheating bastard" class...
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What does apple and Josef Fritzl have in common ....... They both hate windows..
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An 88 year old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the old folks home when in walks a kissagram. She walks sexily up to the old guy and announces that she is going to give him Super Sex.
The old man looks shocked, but replies " Would you mind if I only had the soup"!

[RussyRover]

A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he's staying at home because he's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" his boss asks
"I've a bad case of Anal Glaucoma" the man says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
"I can't see my arse coming into work today."
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Oral sex.
A taste of things to come.
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My missus was putting sun cream on.
"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name is Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"
And that was all the invitation I needed...

[RussyRover]

A guy walks into a high street jewelers, pulls down his pants and starts fingering his arse.
The shop assistant, shocked and horrified shouts ,"Get out of here you filthy bastard."
The guy is furious and replies, "Make up your fucking mind" and points to the sign in the window that reads:
COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT...
_____________________________
I before E,
That's quite confusing when you're trying to sing Old McDonald had a farm. ..
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I have an earwax problem.
I don't have enough of it to block out my missus's constant fucking moaning.

[RussyRover]

When the doctor told me that he'd fucked up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.
______________________________________
A man marries a deaf girl.
He tells her, "We must work out a code. If I want sex I will stroke your breasts and you can reply by pulling once on my penis for YES or 162 times for NO!"..
______________________________________
Based on statistics, the most common sexual position among married couples is doggy style
That is the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead....

[RussyRover]

Dave's on his first date with his new girlfriend, so he drives to a quiet country lane and begins reaching under her skirt.
"Get off!" she says, pushing his hand away. "I'm a virgin, and that's how I intend to stay for the time being."
"How about a blow job then?" he inquires hopefully.
"No way. I'm not putting that thing in my mouth."
"Well at least how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that. What do I have to do?"
"It's simple. Remember when you were a kid and used to shake up a pop bottle and spray it around?. Well it's just like that."
So she pulls out his dick and starts shaking it. A few minutes later his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears, and he screams in pain.
"Whats wrong?" she cries.
"Take your bloody thumb off the end!"

[RussyRover]

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.
They can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.
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A lot of women claim men lack imagination and creativity.
They obviously haven't seen us men when we lose our bottle opener.
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I phoned my local council and asked them what precautions had been put in place in the event of a Dalek invasion.
They told me steps have been put in place.
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I've been wanting to join the skeptics society, but I'm having doubts...

[da1nonly_42]

John Terry tried to put the racism trial behind him by taking his family to the zoo."Come here, kids," he said, pointing through the glass. "Look at that monkey! Ooh ooh ooh!"The whole family laughed, before Terry pulled his wallet out and said, "Sorry, mate. Two adults and two children, please."

[RussyRover]

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
"Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"
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A local farmer is having the preacher over to dinner and needs his son to take over the chores for the evening.
"Son", he says, "I need you to go to the barn and put the Black Bull, the Brown Cow, and the White Cow together in the big stall. When the Bull mounts one of them come to the house and let me know, but you have to be discreet because we're having the preacher over for dinner!"
So the boy goes to the barn and puts the Black Bull, Brown Cow, and White Cow in the big stall and waits.
About half an hour later the boy runs into the kitchen and exclaims "Pa! The Black Bull Fucked the brown cow!!"
The preacher passes out cold; when he comes to, the farmer explains to him that the boy meant to say the Black Bull SUPRISED the Brown Cow.
The farmer re-instructed the boy to go back down and when the Black Bull mounts the White Cow to run up and say that the Black Bull SURPRISED the white cow.
Another half an hour later the boy runs back into the kitchen again and this time says "Pa!! The Black Bull SURPRISED the White Cow!!"
The farmer grins and said "Oh did he really?"
The boy says, "He sure did!! He Fucked the Brown one again!!"