Jokes

[RussyRover]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
So now, he's a little angry, he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He then goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't have any eggs or bacon? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well, his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a month. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a month either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a month you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

[RussyRover]

A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
The wife says, "I would take half and leave you."
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here's a fiver now fuck off!"
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This afternoon a hot blonde asked me if I liked leg or breast, I replied I'm partial to a shaved pussy and like a bit of anal...
But that's not the answer they're looking for in KFC...
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A little boy is in the bath with his Mummy and he asks, "What's that hairy thing Mum"?
His mum says "That's my sponge"
"Oh yes, the little boy says, the babysitter's got one and I've seen Dad washing his face with it"...

[UubbaGuubba]

Why did the ram fall off the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn!

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What's a 6.9?
A really great time ruined by a period

[RussyRover]

"The new glasses make you look really ugly," I said to the missus.
"New glasses?" she remarked. "I don't have new glasses."
No," I said, "but I fucking do."
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Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle United players to forget all about the club's new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com.
He's told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4201%

[da1nonly_42]

Congratulations to Audley Harrison.
He's beaten Katie Price's record for 'most time on your back after being fisted.'

[UubbaGuubba]

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch

[raylovschicks]

"For Christmas, would you like one of those things that tests your blood pressure?" my wife asked.

"You can fuck off if you think your mum's coming for dinner again." ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, My son said, "Dad, I've got something important to tell you... I'm coming out of the closet."

I slapped him round the back of the head.

"Why can't you accept me for who I am?" he screamed.

"I don't care if you're gay," I said, "just don't talk like a fucking Yank. It's a cupboard, not a closet." ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I went to see a psychiatrist about my obsession with sex.

He said, "Ray, I'm going to show you a picture. Tell me the first words that come into your head."

I said, "Tits and cunt."

He said, "Let me get the picture out first, Ray."

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If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery...

What kind of car would you buy 1st?

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Katie Price refuses to mention her love life on twitter.

It involves more than 140 characters.

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We were in the pub last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen.

"Cost me fifty fucking quid this" he said as we all continued laughing.

"I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile.

"Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Liverpool club shop."

[RussyRover]

Johnny's parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Johnny walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my cock".
Johnny walked in and asked "What does titties and cock mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
Christmas Day the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, Johnny came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Downstairs the mum was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again Johnny asked "What's that mean" the mum said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. Johnny answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your cocks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mum is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[raylovschicks]

I was spooning the wife earlier when I rested my knob against her arsehole: "What do you reckon?" I whispered, "fancy a bit??" "Pack it in" she said. She didn't have to tell me twice.

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Lady Gaga and Britney Spears are sharing a dressing room. "Do you know I've insured my face for 10 million dollars?" says Gaga. "Wow," says Britney. "So what did you do with all the money?"

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I was watching my wife about to throw herself off a cliff when she shouted "You drove me to this." Just as well, I thought, or she would still be reversing out the garage.

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I had that Fatboy Slim voice on my SatNav. It was useless. I kept going around in circles because all the time it was: "Right here, Right now."

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I'm so unlucky. I went to the Open University... ...and it was shut.

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They've installed a machine at the pub which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM...

[RussyRover]

Two fish in a tank; One fish says to the other, "You steer, and I'll work the gun"...
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Two men and a woman are washed up on a desert island together, with no hope of rescue.
After a while, they start getting urges, and the men start looking at the woman a little different.
She tells them that she has the clap and genital warts, but if they don't mind that then they are welcome.
They end up shagging her all day and all night for weeks, until eventually, she dies from her afflictions.
Disgusted by what they've been doing lately, the men bury the woman.
After a while, disgusted with what they've been doing lately, they dig her back up...
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My missus asked me this morning where I was taking her for her birthday; My black eye suggests up the arse was the wrong answer...