Jokes

[UubbaGuubba]

I've just got a shitty job crushing pop cans
It's just soda pressing!

[da1nonly_42]

This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth.If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

[RussyRover]

I was on the train this morning and sitting across a rather beautiful thai girl who had a rather short skirt on; I kept thinking to myself, don't get an erection, please, no, don't get an erection.... but she did :D

[RussyRover]

A bloke walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes to the receptionist and demands to be taken to the vault.
"But this is a sperm bank" she replies. " I don't care" says the bloke, "take me to the vault now and open it"
She goes to the vault and opens it, inside are all the sperm samples.
Taking one, he gives it to the receptionist and says "drink it now"
She looks worried "but this is a sperm sample" she says.
"Don't care, drink it now" , which she does.
The guys takes a few more samples and the same thing happens.
Then he takes off his mask and says "see honey, it's not too difficult is it..."

[da1nonly_42]

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess.So I took a picture of her tits and put it on facebook.

[RussyRover]

A little girl goes into a petshop and with the cutest hint of a lisp asks "Excuthe me mithder, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper smiles and kneels down next to the girl and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or maybe that cute widdle bwown wabbit there, or even that other bwack widdle wabbit?"
The little girl leans forward to the shopkeeper and gently whispers "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit"..

[da1nonly_42]

Ran out of toilet roll earlier so had to wipe my arse with the wife's '50 shades of grey', That was sitting in the bathroom.
Her kindle fucking stinks now.

[RussyRover]

A guy comes home and says to his wife "Honey, I've invited a friend round for supper"
"What, are you crazy" she replies, "The house is a mess, I haven't cleaned up, or been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't be arsed to cook a proper meal"
"I know all that" the man says,
"So why did you invite him them"
"Because the poor bastard's thinking of getting married"...

[UubbaGuubba]

The Pope walks into a mosque

The Imam says "why the wrong faith?"


I went to see the Red Arrows today

Lots of gasps, "ooohs" and "aaaahs" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in amazement

It was a good half hours entertainment, but finally the missus got the car parked and we went in

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I hate it when people ask me for directions

I tell them where to go!

[UubbaGuubba]

While I was driving to work on Friday, I ran into the car in front

When the driver got out I saw he was a midget, he looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy!"

After a couple of minutes I said "well which one are you then?"