Jokes

[raylovschicks]

My wife phoned me today and said, "Give Tilly that tin of cat food."

"The dog ate it," I said.

"The Whiskers?" she asked.

"Yeah, the whole cat," I replied.

---

I said to my mate, "I watched the Olympic Weightlifting Competition."

He said, "The men's or women's?"

I said, "I haven't got a fucking clue."

---

I want a woman that makes my dick hard. Not my life.

[Clitterbug]

I heard dewhursts were going to open a chain of pork butchers through israel and palistine, where are the prophets in that? Jeremy Beadle thought he had a big dick, on the one hand he did, but on the other?

[da1nonly_42]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[raylovschicks]

Babestation is like the Man Utd squad since Ronaldo left.

Good to watch but it's just not the same without the cunt.

---

My wife woke me up this morning and said, "Your alarm is going off."

"Fuck it," I mumbled, "I'll get up in 10 minutes."

"That's not a very good idea, is it?" she said, "Your alarm is set for a reason."

"Okay," I shouted, "I'm getting up now!"

"Too late," she replied, looking out of the window, "Your car has just been stolen."

[Aj85]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

That is such an old joke - I've seen that kicking around for years but still a good one though

[raylovschicks]

An optimist walks into a bar.

"I'll have a free pint, please."

[da1nonly_42]

I was in the shop today, and there was a little boy crying because he wanted some chocolate buttons.
"I haven't got enough money," his mother said to him.
"I've got some spare change on me, I'll buy them," I said to her.
"Are you sure about that?," she said.
"Of course," I replied, "I haven't had chocolate buttons in ages, so it'll be a nice treat for me."

[RussyRover]

My girlfriend's convinced she's being stalked... Well she's not actually my girlfriend yet...
______________________________________________________________________
Two gays are shagging in an alley when a copper arrives, one runs off but the copper grabs the other, "You dirty fuckin bastards, if I'd caught your mate, this truncheon woulda gone right up his arse"
A voice shouts " Yoo hoo, I'm in the wheelie bin"...
______________________________________________________________________
Kate Middleton asked the queen for advice on a long successful marriage. She replied "wear a selt belt and don't piss me off"...

[da1nonly_42]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

[RussyRover]

A girl call her mum and says "Mum I'm getting a divorce"
"Why's that" asks her concerned mum
"Well all he wants is anal sex, I used to have a tight little bum hole the size of a 5p piece, now it's more the size of a 50p piece"
Her mother says "Listen sweetie, you've a lovely home, a brand new porsche, a platinum credit card, a second home in spain, kids are in private school and half a dozen holidays a year, and you want to give that up for the sake of 45p???"