Jokes

[gymaddict69]

As the prostitute was wiping my cum off her face she said, "You could have just came inside."
"I'm not made of money." I replied, as I pulled my dick out of the brothel's letterbox.

So Ringo Starr has been knighted basically for staying alive.
Whereas Barry Gibb was knighted for Staying Alive.

[gymaddict69]

I just rang Alcohol Concern.
Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?

My girlfriend asked "Do you want to get married?"
I said "Sure".
She said "That's great, when?"
I said "well just like every other guy, when I meet the right girl"

[SirWanksAlot86]

A physicist goes to an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing. The man said “well I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me” The owner says” well there are a lot of single beautiful woman come in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you”. And the physicist says “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening”!)

[gymaddict69]

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel.
The manager told me to get off.

Apparently wifi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience not as much as sperm can damage your wifi laptop.


I've just been on trip advisor.
There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee.

[gymaddict69]

My wife screamed, "You've got no feelings," and stormed out the house.
She's been gone a while now and I've been thinking about what she said.
She's wrong, I feel hungry.

My boss said I should dress for the job I want, not for the job I have....
Long story short I'm sat in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman

[gymaddict69]

My Dads answer to everything was alcohol. He wasn't a big drinker, He was just shit at Crosswords.

I was working out in the gym earlier when I noticed a hole in my trainer that was big enough to push my finger into.
Anyway, he made a complaint and now my gym membership has been cancelled.

[gymaddict69]

I went to the hairdressers and asked for a number 2 all over. He gave me a shit haircut.

Why does a bride have a big smile on her face walking down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob

My wife left me due to my obsession with the Fonz.
Happy Days!

[gymaddict69]

Me and my mate took some speed and stayed up all night playing 'Name That Tune'.
It was a bit shit really because there's only 4 flavours

My wife had a vindaloo last night and today her arse is a bit sore.
She'll do anything for a curry.

My jokes were all pretty well received at the old people's home this morning...
The residents were pissing themselves.

[gymaddict69]

We buried my wife six days ago and now the hopelessness of the situation is finally sinking in...
I've run out of clean shirts.

Apparently 98% of married men masturbate on a regular basis.
The other 2% still have sex with their wives.

My missus used her tits to get out of a speeding ticket today.
When the copper tripped over them, she did a runner.

[gymaddict69]

A man was hit by a truck carrying Omega 3 cod liver capsules.
A spokesman at the hospital said he had "super fish oil injuries".

I was in London earlier this week and hailed one of them black cabs.
I said to the driver "Waterloo please"
He asked "What, the station"?
"Well, I'm a bit fucking late for the battle" I replied