Jokes

[SirWanksAlot86]

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

[SirWanksAlot86]

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

[gymaddict69]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

My missus has just said if I play my cards right tonight she'll shag me.
Bollocks to that, I'm going higher on a king

[SirWanksAlot86]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[SirWanksAlot86]

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

[gymaddict69]

We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready.
"Thanks, " he said, as I put it over my wife's head

Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...

[SirWanksAlot86]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he proceeds to walk towards the front desk, his elbow accidentally hits a woman's breast. The man tells the lady in a shaky voice, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." The lady replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no. 1221.

[SirWanksAlot86]

A teacher in a class noticed a cat, and asked students who owns it. Jimmy stood up and said it was his. The teacher asked him why he brought the cat to the school. Jimmy replied, "I heard my dad saying 'I'm going to eat that pussy today' to my mom'.

[gymaddict69]

"Never judge a book by the cover," the librarian always used to say.
But as I'm sat by the pool reading the phone directory, I sure wish I had.

After my Xfactor audition, everyone said how much I'd touched them.
Should've known they couldn't keep their fucking mouths shut.

[SirWanksAlot86]

Friend: What gift did you give to your husband on his birthday?
Lady: A magnifying glass.
Friend: What???
Lady: Yes, he asked for the best penis enlargement product available in the market as a gift.