Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptons?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.

[gymaddict69]

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

A beggar walked up to me and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
I just looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower".

[parkaner]

[gymaddict69]

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.
You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, "Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?". I said, "Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes".

[gymaddict69]

I really enjoy wanking while looking at myself in the mirror...
It's such a shame my driving instructor doesn't feel the same way.

I was so cold this morning that my jaw started to freeze.
So I gritted my teeth.

"I wish I had a pound for every time you've made jokes about my weight, " moaned my wife.
"You have, " I replied.

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

Little red riding hood is skipping down the road, when she see's the big bad wolf hiding behind a log.
"Oh, what big eyes you have", she says. The wolf runs off.
Later she see's him hiding behind a tree. "Oh, what big ears you have", she says . Again the wolf runs off.
Later she see's him hiding behind a road sign, "Oh what big teeth you have".
The big bad wolf jumps out and says :"will you fuck off. Im trying to have a shit!"

[StrumSolo]

[gymaddict69]

My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......
Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

I went to get a new car for the wife but the dealer doesn't do swaps.

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones. It's saucery.

[gymaddict69]

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Plod are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from...