Jokes

[gymaddict69]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly "Honey, pack your bags, i won the lottery!"
The hsband says "Oh my god! What should i pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesnt matter, " she said, "Just get the fuck out."

[gymaddict69]

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

[gymaddict69]

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

Sending dick pics is for amateurs...
Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.

[gymaddict69]

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
Then I was born.

What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?
A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.

There are two kinds of people in the world:

Those that can extrapolate from missing information.

[gymaddict69]

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.
"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well — it's almost like we're drinkin' together."
A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me."
Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"No — this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. I quit drinkin'."

[gymaddict69]

"Hi there caller, your'e through to Babestation. What's you're name sexy?"
"Ian, my name is Ian."
"Love that name. What can i do for you tonight Ian?"
"Please move. My wife's coming down the stairs and i've lost the remote!"

[parkaner]

Why don't you just pull the plug out

[parkaner]

[gymaddict69]

A muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink?
He replied in disgust, "id rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said " Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[gymaddict69]

Last night i was sitting on the sofa watching tv when i heard my wifes voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love, chicken , beef or lamb?"
I said "Thank you, i'll have chicken please"
She replied, "You're having soup you fat bastard, i was talking to the cat."